And so it begins. The slow fade to black.

Oct. 9, 2016 - The day after what would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary had I stayed married.

So, it seems "official" now. I can't help but feel that none of my children wish to spend time with me any longer. By "spending time", I mean besides the obligatory Holidays and Birthday visits (Birthdays have all but vanished from the list of reasons to get together, now that everyone is an adult). No, I'm talking about being with someone just because you want to be with them, listen to them.. laugh with them. My second son just left after arriving on Friday night. I suppose I could have gone with him and his girlfriend to a micro-brewery here in town last night (Saturday), but I don't drink beer and I hate crowded bars. He knows that, All of my kids know that. I don't want them to change their lives for me, I would just enjoy a little respect by them skipping the beer drinking for one night. He was gone all day yesterday and when I woke up this morning he was already packed and I got about 3 minutes with him before he left. 3 lousy minutes. I asked my mother why she didn't wake me when everyone got up and had breakfast. She didn't have an answer. Hell, she may not want to be around me either. But that pissed me off. She knows what it's like to have precious little time with kids. The least she could have done would have been to wake me up so I could spend breakfast with my son before he left. All of my children have lives of their own and jobs to go to now. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll have either. Being unemployed for 7 years has pretty much forced "retirement" on me. Retired at the age of 49.. but not eligible for Social Security for another 9 years. I'm fucked.

I don't know why my kids could care less if I'm invited to "family functions", or why they could care less about spending time with me. My oldest takes every opportunity he can to berate me for being overweight. Even though I have literally told him that doing so hurts my feelings and have asked him kindly to please keep hurtful thoughts to himself - a very important social skill. The fact that he continues to do that hurts more than he'll ever know. If he doesn't learn humility, and quick, that is going to ruin every one of his relationships.. with anyone. My twins, who I thought I had the best relationship with out of the four, come and go in a flash and my youngest never has more than 5 or 10 minutes available for me on any given day, and that's WITH planning for the visit. To be fair, she does have two jobs and is the first of my kids to buy a house of her own. Yeah, I know, everyone has their reasons. But I had always envisioned having a good, no, GREAT relationship with my kids for many reasons - I'm "cool", over the years I have paid for them to visit New York City, Philadelphia and Honolulu. When I did that, they were younger. Young enough to not be burdened with jobs and bills, etc. I also felt that I would be their choice of who to spend time with between their stepfather (a real douche-bag), and I. I ride Harley's, I'm the one every person in the world who knows me calls when they need tech support for anything that has to do with computers or technology in general. I know my shit but I'm not arrogant about it, just confidant. For all I know, my kids would rather spend time - grilling meals in the back yard, playing cards, and so on, with their mother and her dip-shit husband, than with me. If the laws of Karma are right, that would not be the case. But even that - their views on spirituality - are not guaranteed to be similar to mine.

As the time marches on during my unemployed years (which may be all the rest of my days), I'm getting turned down by old friends, ex-lovers, and basically everyone who doesn't buy their vices from me. They want me to come by and deliver "the goods", but stick around and have a conversation? I can think of only 3 people who find my company and my input valuable. Three people. Fuck. I came here from Hawaii to help my mother with her rental properties because she no longer has my dad or my brother to help get the heavy lifting done. I feel, being unemployed STILL, my 83 yr. old mother is as disappointed as she can be at my lack of success - measuring by the traditional meanings of success - lots of money, highly respected at work, loving wife and family, etc. - and there's nothing I can do about it. My instincts tell me to run. To get far away, maybe back to Hawaii to give everyone an excuse for not coming to see me. For not wanting to share time with me. I suppose it will be this way until the day comes that everyone is informed of my imminent demise from some form of cancer or heart problems. Nothing like death to get folks out of the house and to a party.

30 years ago I had my first child. I just knew that he would grow up to be just like his dad and ride Harleys and we'd party 'till I was at least 90. But even that dream has been shattered. It was shattered who knows how long ago when my sons told me that they had no interest in inheriting and owning a 1971 Sportster into their old age, so they could "cash-in" when the time was right.

My personality traits - an incurable romantic, a biker, an intellectual... those traits all stop with me. I'm not so full of self-pity that I doubt their "love" for me, but only one of my kids makes a point of telling me so. Fuck I hate this. I had better relationships with my kids when I lived 5000 miles away in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

Maybe I just need to vanish. If I remove myself from the equation, my kids won't even have to think of me. My idea of being needed by my mother to help her with her rental properties has turned out to be wrong. I'm not needed here. I'm just one more burden she doesn't need. She'll probably out-live me anyway.

Don't even ask about any “romantic life” I may or may not have. None of the women who used to love me do so – at that level – anymore. Frankly, I don't care anymore. What difference would it make?

I'm NOT having a good day. I don't know if I ever will again. I know I DAMN sure won't if I ever need to utter the phrase "President Trump"..! I feel like I need to vomit just writing that.