I awoke this morning having been struck by nostalgia for the places I’ve been, the places I’ve lived and the places I’ve returned to. My mind plays cruel tricks on itself and manufactures memories that quite possibly did not happen at all. Those manufactured memories temporarily have me longing to return to, or re-live the happy moments of life when it was simple and held so much promise, and purpose. Reality explodes these faux-memories and shines an intensely bright light on the fallacy of it all. Lit with such brightness, my mind struggles with reconciling the real with the “just seem real” aspects of my memories. Figuring out the difference between these two types of memories is an arduous task at best.
This morning I am hit with the realization that I will not be going back to live in Hawaii, or Delaware, or Philly or New York. I do not know what the future holds for me but I’ll wager that it won’t be a trip backwards. I spent most of my young life wishing to leave Kansas and get started on the adventures of life. Well, life is now on the downhill slope and those adventures happened while I wasn’t paying attention. At 50, I do not feel that many opportunities will be presenting themselves to me like they did when I was 20. No, I am working on coming to terms with a diminished life of trying to get my messes in some sort of order so that the impact of my demise will not be a burden to those who carry on after me. I doubt seriously that I will meet and fall in love with a woman anytime soon, if at all before my time is up. I can honestly say “been there, done that” when it comes to matters of the heart. I left an 18 year long marriage of little intimacy for a bit more than a decade of “all you can ____” with an absolute firecracker of a woman. Now, the only woman I care for may not care for me like I wish she would. Or she may. I don't know and she's not saying right now. We did discuss the inevitability of the need to wait a few years - yes, years - before we could be together in any real sense of the phrase. That time period is hard on my heart for sure. Enough of that love stuff. My gut feeling is that I should spend my next few years traveling on my motorcycle to parts of the country I had always kind of dreamed about. I suppose I should try and answer the questions surrounding the details of such journeys - like how will I get the funds to pay for it all in the first place and… no that’s about it - how to pay for it all.
Destiny, do I have one? Do we all? What is mine? If I do possess such an esoteric item, can I influence it just a little bit maybe?
When I was young I had the good fortune to appear on stage in a few performances. It was enough to awaken in me the hunger for applause. The feedback of an audience was unlike any other feeling I had ever had, or could have ever imagined. I never pursued acting or any other form of public performing and I’m not sure why. I do realize now that I have been “performing” at every job I’ve ever had - substituting praise of a job well done for the applause and generating as much laughter as possible whenever possible. Something wonderful happens inside when something I’ve said or done makes someone smile or laugh. I hope I will have this ability for the rest of my life.
Humor must surely be a part of my destiny. Humor feels great - giving it or getting it - it doesn’t matter. Laughter will prove someday to be the best medicine I’m sure. My “ability” to charm females of all ages is directly related to my ability to get them laughing and smiling and feeling good. I never used that on purpose in a pre-meditated way, but I did enjoy the benefits as often as I could. Who knows, maybe my sense of humor will assist me in finding someone to love once again. I am also realizing that “performing” carried over into my relationships with every other person I came in contact with. A smile, a laugh and then a few smiles more has always been my style.
Watching the world as it slowly sinks into a decline from which it will never recover is not a pleasant experience. I had hoped that the future would hold some promise and opportunity for my children. Now I just hope the worst part will not come until after their lives have been lived. Grandchildren should be avoided if possible. If not, good luck to them and I hope they lead the revolution!
My one page is almost up so I will close with this: Life should be lived on the move. Sitting still is for those who have become paralyzed. Enjoy the ride and smile while doing so. Laughter should be the music of our lives.
Feb 27, 2011
Feb 14, 2011
Feb 11, 2011
This pisses me off
I found this in my e-mail earlier this evening. A message from newly elected Congressman Mike Pompeo - (see below for my reply)
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Reply from Congressman Mike Pompeo
From: "Congressman Mike Pompeo"
Date: Fri, February 11, 2011 1:46 pm
To:
Dear Mr. Owens:
Thank you for contacting me to express support for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with me on this issue. In order to make sound decisions, it is important for me to hear from Kansans.
When first established in 1970, the EPA was given a mission to protect human health and to safeguard the natural environment. I believe humanity has a mandate given to us by our Creator to be a good stewards of this planet. In addition, I share the basic belief of every American that we need clean air, water, and land.
However, as a former small business owner, I have seen first hand the dangers of an overreaching EPA. For instance, on January 2nd of 2011, the EPA started regulating greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide. Small businesses, farms, hospitals, and even churches in Kansas could be exposed to unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations for the first time.
These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. Businesses in Kansas, already facing stiff competition from overseas, will be put at an even greater disadvantage with countries like China and India that have no intention of imposing similar regulations on their businesses. I believe it is essential for Congress to exercise thoughtful oversight of EPA, especially when it comes to unnecessary regulatory initiatives that harm the economy.
Again, thank you for your thoughts on the EPA. If you have any additional questions or concerns on this or another issue, please do not hesitate to call on me or Jim Richardson of my Washington, D.C. staff. It is an honor to serve the people of Kansas in the United States Congress.
Sincerely,
Mike Pompeo
Member of Congress
----
(Here is what I wrote back to him):
Mr. Pompeo and/or Jim Richardson:
I have no idea how long ago I may have signed some on-line petition which resulted in this "contact" you refer to. But, now that I read your reply - complete with its overtly religious rhetoric ("... our Creator", etc.) I am furious. It is obvious that you are using the religious card as a way of endearing yourself to me in some way. Yes, the numbers will show that you have a better chance of being perceived as a "Christian brother" if you use wording like this and I'm sure you were hoping for just that when you chose to include it in this message. However, more importantly there is supposed to be a separation of church and state in all things related to the government - written communications included. I find it pathetic of you to try such lame tactics. Clearly you have MUCH to learn as a "politician".
Now, on to the subject at hand.
Those "unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations" you refer to are the only thing in place to stop rampant abuse of the planets' natural resources by corporate America. I seriously doubt that churches and small businesses here in Kansas are who we should be worrying about when it comes to environmental emissions. You know as well as I that it is the large corporations and "factory-farm" operations that stand to gain the most if emissions controls are reduced. If you say otherwise you are lying to yourself and you know it.
The EPA should have more power and control over things than almost any other segment of our government. Protecting the environment may be a nuisance to your precious greedy little minds but it is what may just keep us humans alive for just a little bit longer - my kids are worth it. Your corporate profits are NOT.
Your statement of "These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. .... unnecessary regulatory initiatives that harm the economy." is unfounded and incorrect. Prove it moron. In typical politician speak, you are over generalizing this issue by trying to make it sound like jobs are on the line here and that the cost of doing business is more important than the environment that we ALL live in. You write a few short sentences and think that is a sufficient argument to the issue at hand. It is exactly that type of thought by conservative republicans that has led America, and the world, into the environmental mess that we are in and continuing to think that way is detrimental to our future. If you think that the EPA is "overreaching" and that it is "dangerous" because trying to delay the degradation of the environment cuts into profits and does not "significantly improve air quality" then you are oblivious to the real issues and severely ignorant of what is truly important. It is very clear from your statement that profits and greed are at the forefront of your office's opinions and actions.
I can't even remember if you are a Democrat or Republican - either way you have the wrong thoughts going off in your head if you think that ANYTHING is more important than this planet we live on.
So, enjoy your paycheck from us constituents while your lack of foresight threatens our planet. Oh, and getting back to your blatant abuse of the religion thing, be sure to "praise the lord" in your future doings as that big "mystery guy" in the sky will appreciate it. Here's a tip - go watch the Zeitgeist films and learn something you bible-thumping idiot. I feel sorry for you as it is obvious that you were brainwashed, probably at a very young age, to believe in organized religion and the subsequent mental impairments that follow.
In summation, leave religion out of it and go learn something about this planet we live on. Change your thought process and think of your children (if you have any) and/or their children's future in all you do as a member of the American government. You need to stop drinking the conservative, profit-minded kool-aid and wake up.
ps, you may want to try out a new thing called "spell-check" before you send things out. My god, I would have thought that there would be a certain level of professionalism, especially when it comes to written communications from a U.S. government official. Your offense is in the part where you invoke the "creator" below, so maybe you were just so full of 'the spirit" that you didn't know what you wrote ... "to be a good stewards of this planet." - seriously?
----
Hence the title of this post - This pisses me off.
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Reply from Congressman Mike Pompeo
From: "Congressman Mike Pompeo"
Date: Fri, February 11, 2011 1:46 pm
To:
Dear Mr. Owens:
Thank you for contacting me to express support for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with me on this issue. In order to make sound decisions, it is important for me to hear from Kansans.
When first established in 1970, the EPA was given a mission to protect human health and to safeguard the natural environment. I believe humanity has a mandate given to us by our Creator to be a good stewards of this planet. In addition, I share the basic belief of every American that we need clean air, water, and land.
However, as a former small business owner, I have seen first hand the dangers of an overreaching EPA. For instance, on January 2nd of 2011, the EPA started regulating greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide. Small businesses, farms, hospitals, and even churches in Kansas could be exposed to unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations for the first time.
These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. Businesses in Kansas, already facing stiff competition from overseas, will be put at an even greater disadvantage with countries like China and India that have no intention of imposing similar regulations on their businesses. I believe it is essential for Congress to exercise thoughtful oversight of EPA, especially when it comes to unnecessary regulatory initiatives that harm the economy.
Again, thank you for your thoughts on the EPA. If you have any additional questions or concerns on this or another issue, please do not hesitate to call on me or Jim Richardson of my Washington, D.C. staff. It is an honor to serve the people of Kansas in the United States Congress.
Sincerely,
Mike Pompeo
Member of Congress
----
(Here is what I wrote back to him):
Mr. Pompeo and/or Jim Richardson:
I have no idea how long ago I may have signed some on-line petition which resulted in this "contact" you refer to. But, now that I read your reply - complete with its overtly religious rhetoric ("... our Creator", etc.) I am furious. It is obvious that you are using the religious card as a way of endearing yourself to me in some way. Yes, the numbers will show that you have a better chance of being perceived as a "Christian brother" if you use wording like this and I'm sure you were hoping for just that when you chose to include it in this message. However, more importantly there is supposed to be a separation of church and state in all things related to the government - written communications included. I find it pathetic of you to try such lame tactics. Clearly you have MUCH to learn as a "politician".
Now, on to the subject at hand.
Those "unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations" you refer to are the only thing in place to stop rampant abuse of the planets' natural resources by corporate America. I seriously doubt that churches and small businesses here in Kansas are who we should be worrying about when it comes to environmental emissions. You know as well as I that it is the large corporations and "factory-farm" operations that stand to gain the most if emissions controls are reduced. If you say otherwise you are lying to yourself and you know it.
The EPA should have more power and control over things than almost any other segment of our government. Protecting the environment may be a nuisance to your precious greedy little minds but it is what may just keep us humans alive for just a little bit longer - my kids are worth it. Your corporate profits are NOT.
Your statement of "These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. ..
I can't even remember if you are a Democrat or Republican - either way you have the wrong thoughts going off in your head if you think that ANYTHING is more important than this planet we live on.
So, enjoy your paycheck from us constituents while your lack of foresight threatens our planet. Oh, and getting back to your blatant abuse of the religion thing, be sure to "praise the lord" in your future doings as that big "mystery guy" in the sky will appreciate it. Here's a tip - go watch the Zeitgeist films and learn something you bible-thumping idiot. I feel sorry for you as it is obvious that you were brainwashed, probably at a very young age, to believe in organized religion and the subsequent mental impairments that follow.
In summation, leave religion out of it and go learn something about this planet we live on. Change your thought process and think of your children (if you have any) and/or their children's future in all you do as a member of the American government. You need to stop drinking the conservative, profit-minded kool-aid and wake up.
ps, you may want to try out a new thing called "spell-check" before you send things out. My god, I would have thought that there would be a certain level of professionalism, especially when it comes to written communications from a U.S. government official. Your offense is in the part where you invoke the "creator" below, so maybe you were just so full of 'the spirit" that you didn't know what you wrote ... "to be a good stewards of this planet." - seriously?
----
Hence the title of this post - This pisses me off.
Feb 8, 2011
Laughter and love...
I really feel like I’ve lost something, or that I am losing it. I do not remember becoming quite as emotional as I do recently while watching films or television shows, or commercials for that matter - yes, I cried along with everybody else way back when the first “Reach out and touch someone” ad campaign began.
Just now, I teared up, slash almost cried, at the ending of an episode of ‘House’. Is it me? Am I softening with age? Could it be that writing talent is just better than it was 20 or 30 years ago? Whichever - and I do hope to figure that one out - the effects seem unfettered and free-flowing within me. When the impact hits, I’m right there, ready with a tear if necessary.
It takes some balls to admit this shit if you’re a man. And ALL of the guys I know know this themselves, weather they would like to admit it or not. It shouldn’t be so, but it is. Men should feel comfortable with their expressions, key word ‘should’. We are programmed to pretend. We are chastised when we falter - adding to our emotional instability. It’s a vicious cycle. On the other side of that coin is the very real fact that it feels VERY good to be strong. The respect and admiration one receives upon exhibiting emotional strength is hard to beat. Like applause to an actor, laughter to a comic, happy tears for the strong one who “got us all through”, can be quite addictive. This teeter-totter of emotional ‘self-allowance’ wrecks most all men, but we’ll NEVER admit to that.
There are several man-truths that cut to the heart of the matter regarding our thoughts and behavior. These truths are never spoken of, never admitted to and never shared with others. They are not given to us by our elders. They are passed through history non-verbally. They just sort of reveal themselves as a boy grows into a man. You learn them from the expressions on other men's faces, from the awkwardness of another's actions, from the rejection in a girl’s voice. They plant deep and establish their influence quickly, almost immediately in some cases. Once learned, they are firmly entrenched in our minds and no therapy can ever change them. All we can hope to do is try and become aware of them and thus, exert a small modicum of control over them. Trust me when I say that the vast majority of men have yet to reach that awareness.
I have broken the cardinal rule many times - the rule of not sharing these man-truths - but for good reason and no harm came of it. Quite the contrary, by shedding a little light on the male psyche sometimes I was richly rewarded by the women I was with. I find one of the most humorous aspects of the ‘secrets’ of men is the fact that many women can see past the secrets and right through us into the insecure little boys we all really are.
I do miss that. The one-on-one talks with a lover in which guards are dropped, nothing is off limits and both parties learn a great deal amidst the laughter and love of the moment. Damn it, I’m starting to tear up a little.
Just now, I teared up, slash almost cried, at the ending of an episode of ‘House’. Is it me? Am I softening with age? Could it be that writing talent is just better than it was 20 or 30 years ago? Whichever - and I do hope to figure that one out - the effects seem unfettered and free-flowing within me. When the impact hits, I’m right there, ready with a tear if necessary.
It takes some balls to admit this shit if you’re a man. And ALL of the guys I know know this themselves, weather they would like to admit it or not. It shouldn’t be so, but it is. Men should feel comfortable with their expressions, key word ‘should’. We are programmed to pretend. We are chastised when we falter - adding to our emotional instability. It’s a vicious cycle. On the other side of that coin is the very real fact that it feels VERY good to be strong. The respect and admiration one receives upon exhibiting emotional strength is hard to beat. Like applause to an actor, laughter to a comic, happy tears for the strong one who “got us all through”, can be quite addictive. This teeter-totter of emotional ‘self-allowance’ wrecks most all men, but we’ll NEVER admit to that.
There are several man-truths that cut to the heart of the matter regarding our thoughts and behavior. These truths are never spoken of, never admitted to and never shared with others. They are not given to us by our elders. They are passed through history non-verbally. They just sort of reveal themselves as a boy grows into a man. You learn them from the expressions on other men's faces, from the awkwardness of another's actions, from the rejection in a girl’s voice. They plant deep and establish their influence quickly, almost immediately in some cases. Once learned, they are firmly entrenched in our minds and no therapy can ever change them. All we can hope to do is try and become aware of them and thus, exert a small modicum of control over them. Trust me when I say that the vast majority of men have yet to reach that awareness.
I have broken the cardinal rule many times - the rule of not sharing these man-truths - but for good reason and no harm came of it. Quite the contrary, by shedding a little light on the male psyche sometimes I was richly rewarded by the women I was with. I find one of the most humorous aspects of the ‘secrets’ of men is the fact that many women can see past the secrets and right through us into the insecure little boys we all really are.
I do miss that. The one-on-one talks with a lover in which guards are dropped, nothing is off limits and both parties learn a great deal amidst the laughter and love of the moment. Damn it, I’m starting to tear up a little.
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