Laughter and love...

I really feel like I’ve lost something, or that I am losing it. I do not remember becoming quite as emotional as I do recently while watching films or television shows, or commercials for that matter - yes, I cried along with everybody else way back when the first “Reach out and touch someone” ad campaign began.

Just now, I teared up, slash almost cried, at the ending of an episode of ‘House’. Is it me? Am I softening with age? Could it be that writing talent is just better than it was 20 or 30 years ago? Whichever - and I do hope to figure that one out - the effects seem unfettered and free-flowing within me. When the impact hits, I’m right there, ready with a tear if necessary.

It takes some balls to admit this shit if you’re a man. And ALL of the guys I know know this themselves, weather they would like to admit it or not. It shouldn’t be so, but it is. Men should feel comfortable with their expressions, key word ‘should’. We are programmed to pretend. We are chastised when we falter - adding to our emotional instability. It’s a vicious cycle. On the other side of that coin is the very real fact that it feels VERY good to be strong. The respect and admiration one receives upon exhibiting emotional strength is hard to beat. Like applause to an actor, laughter to a comic, happy tears for the strong one who “got us all through”, can be quite addictive. This teeter-totter of emotional ‘self-allowance’ wrecks most all men, but we’ll NEVER admit to that.

There are several man-truths that cut to the heart of the matter regarding our thoughts and behavior. These truths are never spoken of, never admitted to and never shared with others. They are not given to us by our elders. They are passed through history non-verbally. They just sort of reveal themselves as a boy grows into a man. You learn them from the expressions on other men's faces, from the awkwardness of another's actions, from the rejection in a girl’s voice. They plant deep and establish their influence quickly, almost immediately in some cases. Once learned, they are firmly entrenched in our minds and no therapy can ever change them. All we can hope to do is try and become aware of them and thus, exert a small modicum of control over them. Trust me when I say that the vast majority of men have yet to reach that awareness.

I have broken the cardinal rule many times - the rule of not sharing these man-truths - but for good reason and no harm came of it. Quite the contrary, by shedding a little light on the male psyche sometimes I was richly rewarded by the women I was with. I find one of the most humorous aspects of the ‘secrets’ of men is the fact that many women can see past the secrets and right through us into the insecure little boys we all really are.

I do miss that. The one-on-one talks with a lover in which guards are dropped, nothing is off limits and both parties learn a great deal amidst the laughter and love of the moment. Damn it, I’m starting to tear up a little.