Thoughts from last night...

I can hardly believe it myself, but here I am, alive, awake and sober, wondering why.

They’ve been here only a few hours and I realize it’s all the time I’ll have with them for some time to come. I watch them all step away from the porch, wave goodbye and climb into their cars, knowing that these few hours we’ve spent together will be all that we have for another few months. Did I mention that I won’t see them again for a long time? I like to think they had a good time. That they felt comfortable, happy, and loved. But how do I know for sure? I don’t. I think they’ve humored their dad. I think they really would have preferred to phone in their holiday greetings and skip the drive. But they’re my kids. They take after their dad. They’ll do their best to try and focus on making others happy. They’ll sacrifice a few hours of their time gladly if they know it will make someone else feel less lonely. I love them.

For years I tried to be like a cool friend to each of them, accompanying them into the post-college casual drug use days of the early twenties. I’m coming to terms with how this behavior doesn’t fit a 50 something year old father.
I should have been over this “phase” years ago. I should never have taken pleasure in smoking weed with my kids. I should have been an adult, a mature positive roll model for them in these important years of their youth. Every step of the way I preached the benefits of “everything in moderation” and “alcohol is the worst drug in the world”, that I’d rather see them smoking a joint rather than drinking from a bottle. They’ve all developed healthy recreational drug use habits in that, for the most part, they’re all done with doing drugs as the object of their evenings. I see in them the kind of behavior I should have adopted long before now.

I feel that my actions must be directly related to my guilt, my sadness, my longing for a chance to do things differently. When I moved away and divorced their mother, I did so because I was empty inside. I was desperate for change and the love of a different woman. How selfish I was. How selfish I am still. I try to stay closer to my kids now than I ever did. My parents were never a part of my life like I am trying to be in my kids’ lives right now. Of course, it was a much different world 30 years ago. There remained a bit of the innocence that has since vanished in our society.

How I handle these next few years will be very important in how my children perceive their father. How I move through being unemployed, poor and depressed right now into whatever the future brings, will create an opportunity to teach some good things to my kids through actions rather than just words. I hope I’ll be up to the challenges that lie ahead. I hope I don’t die before I can triumphantly stand on the other side and declare that “you can do anything if you just set your mind to it and give it your best”. So much has to change for me to be able to do just that. Correction - there’s so much that I need to change about myself in order to make that happen. I’m proud to say that I’ve cleared one major hurdle in quitting smoking 15 moths ago. Now I need to loose weight, get in shape, find love, and find the career I’m destined to succeed in before retirement time.

What is that saying? “It’s always darkest before dawn.” Well it’s pretty damn dark.

Why are we here? What purpose do we have to ourselves, to each other? How can our past influence our future? Where do I start? Where do I stop? And the biggest question of all: Why?

I sift through items in basements and closets that speak of a time gone by. So many questions fill my mind. Questions that cannot really be answered in the normal way. I am most curious about the “why” of these old things rather than the “what” or “when”. I see examples of fantastic times and great fun in my parents’ lives, and sometimes in the lives of their parents too. Photographic evidence showing that experience and memory-making had importance in the days of my elders’ lives. Tell me stories. Please enlighten me about the “why” and “how” of these moments in time! The people with the answers are all gone.

Is it selfish for me to wonder these things? Do I cry because I’ll never know what was behind the actions of my loved ones? Or is it because I regret not asking the questions when I had the chance? Was I too “busy” with my own pursuits and full of myself and my life when I should have been learning from theirs? Will my kids instinctively know better how to grow forward with their lives? Is there anything I can do now to help them avoid their own regrets? Do I have enough time left here on earth to figure out some answers?

I should write a will, a living directive outlining my wishes for what is to become of me if I grow old and senile, or if I die. I’ll work on that but my first gut feeling is that it’s pretty simple actually. My “loose ends” are my collections of “stuff” and how they should be disposed:

1. I’ve way too many 35mm cameras and associated gear that I bought on eBay with plans of selling for a profit when the time was right. I’m still waiting for that “right time” to come.

2. My vinyl record collection that served as my psychotherapy through the years. Some of those old records may be worth good money someday. I think their real value is in the music and lyrics they contain.

3. My assorted Harley parts for my two bikes. Old Sportster pieces and parts that should probably be sold off, unless I think I’ll actually get around to building another bike with them.

4. I’ve way too many Frisbees and disc golf discs which need to be sold off given that I’m pretty sure I have the 10 or 20 that I’ll use in my pursuit of that sport.

I truly wish I had amassed assets and riches to be divided equally among my children upon the event of my death. Life might be so much easier for them with just a little bit of wealth. With just enough money so that their worries may be reduced and so that they could focus their attention on what they would like to do, where they would like to do it, and how they would benefit from the experiences, rather than how they would pay for it all. (To my kids: If I have not created wealth for you before I die, I am truly sorry. If I have, then spend it wisely and save some for your childrens future!)

I think, and hope, my children will agree that I spent my energy on acquiring experiences and memories over wealth and possessions during my life. I cannot count the times I have told my kids that “There’s a BIG world out there! Go and see, grab the experience of travel and find your dreams and aspirations, and discover things!” I said this to them, I think, because I wanted it for myself, but never really made it. As a person who never really had specific dreams and aspirations, I thought that adventure in and of itself was as good a goal as anything. Unless I’m wrong, living vicariously through our children is a rather common thing, yes?

Karma can be a bitch, or so I’ve heard. Honestly, I feel I’ve tried to “spread da aloha” and put out positive vibes - create good karma whenever I could. We’ll see how that works out. Up until the end of my last relationship I have always taken pride in knowing that the women I’ve loved are still friends of mine. Now it seems that, one by one, those past lovers/friends are falling by the wayside. Karma? You tell me.

As I think of things tonight, I think of the fact that I have very few “real” friends. The kind of friends who open themselves to you in times of need. Who laugh with you to lift your spirits. Who are available because they enjoy your friendship and for no other reason. Sure I have many “regular” friends, but when I start counting I am embarrassed and a little disheartened at the results I come up with lately. I am surrounded by the past and I do not like it. I used to just visit the past once or twice a year and then jet back to my present life - wherever that was at the time. Now I feel as though I am wading in a bog of failed plans and missed opportunities - about 35 years worth. I must get through this depression I’m in. I have to “lively up myself” and make my present about the future and not about the past. “Change is always good” I’d say to my kids. “We may not know or feel it at the time things change, but it always works out and in the long run it is always good for us.” The hard part sometimes is beginning the process of change - trying to make it happen rather than just experiencing it happening to us. When I discover the secret I’ll let everybody know.
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You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person, and your world is changed forever.