Well then, hi-dee-hi cats & kittens.
It's 2015. It's July. It's time I spill my guts again.

But not tonight, It is getting late.
I shall write again soon, very soon.

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Well, here we are folks. Just you and me. Oh, here's a short movie review for you. Of a film titled: Manglehorn

This is a film that physically hurt me from the inside out.

Damn truth. I fucking HATE it.

Everywhere things have been popping up which seem to be trying to tell me something - "When it's over, it's over. Don't keep watering a dead flower."

Now I see this film "Manglehorn" with Al Pacino playing a character that does NOT want to let go of a past love, or his hopes of re-kindling the flames in her heart... he knows he fucked up years ago and wishes he could right his wrongs...
(hint: the movie review is over)

The parallels with me and my life/loves (Helen, Rox, Janet, and possibly a couple others) are feeling too familiar. It hurts me. I hurt myself by holding on to hope that I might be able to hold Roxanne in my arms again. To feel again.. anything - love, joy, pain, desire, to be desired.

I need to stop trying to water my dead plant. I need to, I just don't want to accept the truth of it all.

How do I? How do I not.

Romantic love, which I admit to being completely addicted to, seems now to be the farthest thing from me in my life. Longing for, dreaming of, wanting, needing, missing, a woman to cherish, provide for and protect is like a foreign language to me. And I know it is mostly my fault for it being so.

I've lived the lives that most people wish for - I grew up in the exact same fashion as the main character in a television show called "The Wonder Years", I had parents that stayed together till death did they part. I was encouraged by my parents every step of the way that I chose to take for my entire young life. I was fortunate enough to have met and married a girl I met while I was a disc jockey, when I was about 22 years old. She and I established a family with four kids. Then after 18 years, we mutually decided to divorce. I then move in with my cosmic soul mate from centuries past, present and future, and stayed with her for ten years, two of which were spent living right on the beach on O'ahu's north shore. Fresh fish, vegetables, and tropical fruits at your fingertips. Breathing in fragrant flowers with every breath, gazing on the most magnificently beautiful island paradise that can be found on the planet. Feeling as though the world was my oyster and I could get the pearl anytime I desired, I went through personal upheaval and came home. While here I helped my 2nd closest friend of the past 20 years prepare to, and die from lung cancer. I fall further and further into debt because unemployment ran out - twice. I know I am depressed. Hey but I lost 30 lbs. in 3 months! That's a good thing, right? :(

This thing that has a choke-hold on my heart is something I could have never imagined. I guess that’s why it hurts so much – I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever. That scares me. I don’t need recognition or applause, but I do need to do the best show I can. Money is the root of my evils. Sadly, with but a mere ten or fifteen grand I can be indebted to no one. I could be free to make a daily living however I pleased. Legal or otherwise. Of course, I’ll have no legacy of financial wealth to leave my children when I die. But then again, in my mind, I will be leaving them the most valuable gift that can be passed on – that of a love of, and a desire for more of, love.
A great appreciation of adventure and experience. The deep knowledge that the true wealth of a life is knowing that time is the only real currency we have to spend, and that years, lovers, and glasses of wine are things that should never be counted. Experience is what you are buying with payments of putting yourself through the adventures in life – planned or not. The utter resilience with which we propel ourselves though the minutes and hours of our days never ceases to amaze me. Even as depressed and currently doing a little wallowing in self-pity as I am, I could still, in seconds, gather up the strength and gumption, to do whatever may be necessary. It’s just that lately, nothing is necessary from me. No one needs me. No one is loving me, desiring my touch, my gaze, my laughter or the presence of my soul. I guess that’s why they call them the blues.