Thanks, thanks alot.

Great. another horrible Christmas. Alone.

Nobody gives two shits about me. Fuck this bullshit. There is literaly no reason for me to keep trying. The only thing stopping me from ending it all is the need to sell the valuable things I have acquired over the past 61 years. Items which, as I've been told by my children, will be simply thrown in the trash upon my death. Analog photography gear, worth hundreds and thousands of dollars in today's market. Certain collectable items that are increasing in value with each passing day. Memorabilia from a life no ones cares to know about.

The only reason anyone wants me around is to get things from me.. to benefit from my generosity and take advatage of my kindness.

Oh yeah, my young girlfriend likes to say "I love you", but hasn't a clue as to what "love" really is. How could she? She's never experienced real love in her life.. ever.

I was fortunate to have experienced two long term (over 10 or 15 years) relationships that were actual, true, deep loving ones. Silly me, to think I might have found a third. Real love involves wanting to physically be with your person as much as you possbliy can. It means that you communicate without fail.. even over-communicate in an effort to avoid misunderstandings. That when you make plans, or promises, you follow through with them. At the absolute least, truly loving someone means that you care how the other is feeling.. about everything, and do everything in your power to support them and help them in their struggle.

Why do humans always make things harder than they have to be? Because the vast majority of humans have never known what really, truly loving another human feels like, nor have they ever known how love works. Most know only about how love fails.

So yeah, thanks. Thanks alot.

Circles. Why always circles?

I thought I could conquer anything. I know I can kill anything before it kills me. I cannot, however, stop people from dying. Once again, a very good friend has passed on. Normally that wouldn't stop me in my tracks.. but this time, I was the one who found him. I was the one who had to contact the authorities to deal with what I found. I was the last human to visit him. Mine was the last voice he ever heard. only about a week before. Details are never neccessary, but I feel that I desperatly NEED to tell someone.. anyone. Even a complete stranger. I need to get the sight and smell of that experience out of my head. I wish I could do so much quicker than the several years that I know it will take. The circle of life can bite me. I've never had to deal with what I'm having to deal with right now.. this is all new to me. Sorry.

I’m done. That’s it. I am through. Too many people ask, no.. asume, expect and demand my assistance with things they can do themselves. People who relish in, and have no problem talking about, their pain, how hard things are, how much they hurt, how they -can’t- do “things” anymore. People who have given up.

Well, I have news for them.. Every.. Single.. Person.. on Earth hurts, every single person is having a hard time these days, and wishes they could just give up and have others do things for them.

I was like that.. for a while.

I reached a point when I had nothing to look forward to.
I mean nothing at all.

But, I found it in me and forced myself to take the first small step towards improving. Now, some 18 months later, I’m doing relatively well.

I know it’s not easy taking that first step, but doing so leads to the second step, and then the third step, and so on.

Nobody will take those steps for you. No one but you. Trying is doing. Relying on everyone else is a dead end road. I will go to the ends of the Earth to help anyone who takes it upon themselves to try to improve their situations and/or health issues. I simply cannot continue to ‘enable’ people who assume that I have all of the time and resources in the world to help them do whatever they need, whenever they need it, regardless of what “it” is.
I just can’t.

These are grown humans.. not helpless children. For whatever reasons, they think they are incapable of taking ANY steps.. let alone a step in the right direction. I guess it is now “tough love” time. Time for me to be unavailable and/or unwilling to continue this charade, this serious drain on my body and brain. I have my own issues. Hell, I have an entire subscription, not just a few issues.

The hardest part will be saying “no”. The next hardest part will be convincing them that they do indeed have the strength and resilience to begin those steps. I’m sorry if this venting paints me as a bad person, but, like anything and everything over which I have no control, I couldn’t care less about what others think. They don’t have to live with me, they don’t have to feel my pain or fight my battles. I do. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a good human. I will always hold out hope that these people find small successes in taking the first few steps towards improving their lives, as that is what motivates the fourth, fifth and five millionth steps. But I’m not able to take the steps for them anymore. I’m done.

You are dead inside if this doesn't bring tears. For Kelly, LeAnne, Linda, Janet, my New Wave/Punk rock girlfriend when I worked in radio, Lynn, Helen, Roxanne, and now GirlyWhirl.

~~ Amy Stroup & Trent Dabbs - Simple Us ~~:

Heavy on my mind
Heavy on my heart
Wanna make it clean
Don't wanna pick it apart
Just hanging on the answer
That we both never say
Sitting in the last time
I let you get away

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple trust
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

Just a war of words
I don't wanna fight
I wanna try and live
Not look over life
Been keeping such a close eye
On all the years between
Careful what I might say
Is the same thing that I mean

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple truth
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

We can make it
We can make it
Ours
Simple words can
Untangle our hearts

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple truth
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

-------------- Some "tough guy", eh?