hss - sos - one19

I can’t stop crying. I’ve never felt this before and I don’t know what to do, how to feel, how to make it through, how to make it all go away. My best friend on this planet has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He can barely talk about it. He’s been whisked away to a land of chemotherapy and sickness. He says to me that he can feel himself "wasting away" and that he cannot eat. We've both been avid marijuana advocates for most of our lives but that ain't the thing. No one is giving him anything for the pain of his sciatic nerve problem though all of this. I thought I had been through a lot in my life already, including my heart attack at 43 when I was sure that I would die. Slipping in and out of human consciousness it was images and thoughts of my children that saved my life and kept me here - for how long I do not know. Now, nothing compares to this agony I feel. This total helplessness and physical pain I feel for my friend.

I know that writing about “my experience” during another person’s time of tragedy may be considered selfish, and I am truly sorry if you feel that way. This process of writing this down as it pours out is allowing me to deal right now at 5:19 am. I’ve been crying since 1:19 am for One19.

There is NO reason, NO justice, NO explanation for this to be happening to him.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm an atheist. Hell, even God knows I am an atheist, but dear Lord, if you exist and, if you must, please afflict me with this cancer and not him. He’s done nothing to deserve this. His only daughter is still very young. My four kids are grown. I have had adventures while he has not. Take me in place of him I beg of you. Do this to somebody else, please.

It is now 10 o'clock in the morning and I feel as though I have been crying all night long - throughout my sleep. I must go see him today. I know that I'll need to "be strong" for him and try to play the part of a true friend and concentrate on shaking him out of his funk long enough to see some reasons to fight this. If he allows the cancer to rule he will most surely slip away from us all, and I for one, am not ready for that, nor will I ever be.

Somebody help, please. What can I do? I love this person and do not want them to suffer or leave... or hurt anymore.

.. work in progress

OK, this stuff just came spilling out of my head tonight so I wrote it down.
Sorry if it's bad.
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I've always had a talent of masquerading my exasperation.
After struggle upon struggle, I took a long vacation.

Magically transforming into more than a couple of years,
the nights and days and days and nights released a flood of tears.

I'm aware the end is coming, hopefully not quite yet.
I want to recognize what I'm missing and start to start the "get".
None of it will be easy, most of it will hurt,
but doing nothing at all will surely cover me with dirt.

Living for the moments and relishing in sins of flesh,
My quest for wisdom strengthened. My will to live refreshed.

Having “scratched all these itches,” turning each and every stone.
I will honestly shout, as I make my way towards "home,"
"Come marvel at what 'normal' is and maybe, with a grin,
you'll come to the conclusion that obstacles are mainly within."

With a resonable faxcimile of my fate having now been set
I feel I can turn the page with only one 'small' bit of regret.