Here . . .

You wait for the tears to fall, but they won’t
You think you should know what to say, but you don’t

Here at the break of day, the world moving on its way

Without her

You sitting there staring into the distance
Like you’re putting up some kind of resistance

But you better seek the dawn
It’s like this river that you’re on

Here where the sorrows flow, with all you will never know

About her

Here, you’re here

The city waking up off in the distance
They’re all working on some other existence

But you can’t quite seem to care, like you know they’re not going anywhere

Here were the sorrows flow
Here where the questions grow, with all you will never know

About her

You wait for the tears to fall, but they won’t
You think you should know what to say, but you don’t

Here at the break of dawn, the world moving on

Without her

- Jackson Browne

The long road home.

.. begins now.

Hmm.. magic 13th post.

Dec. 13, 2004 to Feb. 23, 2010

Fuck. How many days is that? Somewhere around 1896?

I was hit by a cab while walking across a street in Waikiki on Dec 13th, 2004.
I just heard from my "lawyer" this morning (Feb 23, 2010) that we can settle the case for x amount. Well, that "x" amount equals less than a few dollars per day for the past 1896 days.. and NOTHING for having to live with a bad knee and a strained neck for the rest of my life.

American justice is a pile of crap.

Think about it - two people walk across a marked crosswalk and are hit by a cab. One person does NOT have injuries that will stay with her for the rest of her life and her case settles for the maximum amount possible with the type of insurance policy carried by the cab driver. The other person - who HAS injuries for the rest of his life - will get less than half of that amount for his case - SAME "LAWYER", SAME CAB DRIVER, SAME ACCIDENT, SAME NIGHT, SAME INSURANCE COMPANY.

Same BULLSHIT is what I say.

Jesus this sucks.

40 years of tears

.. so why won't they fall?

I miss being involved with live television...

I'm a former director, camera op, etc., and even though it was mainly with a public access station about ten years ago, I will say this - Live TV is the shiznit.
No drug comes close to the adrenaline you feel when the countdown begins.. 10, 9, 8, 7.. the absolute best.

Waxing somewhat nostalgic for those days led me to seek out gems on YouTube... and I recently re-discovered one of my favorite live television sketches of all time.

In late '54 or early '55, on his show called "Caesar's Hour", Sid Caesar and Nanette Fabray performed a skit live (everything was live back then) which, in essence, was an argument set to Beethoven's 5th, in my opinion, one of the classic television comedy skits of all time.

A link: Argument to Beethoven's 5th

Of course there are many, many other funny memories from early television, but that skit appeals to my strong feelings about visual communication. Successful visuals can be dis-assembled and each piece will still hold up and communicate on it's own.

Images can, and should, tell a story without words or sound so that when sound is added, the end result is complimented by the addition of the sound. Many times, the opposite is true - a well thought out sound scape can be the main ingredient in telling a story so that when visuals are added, they compliment and/or enlighten the storytelling process. I used to use those theories when teaching or instructing others how to produce television programs. I might start by giving the students a baseball, bat and glove and ask them to build a drama with those elements alone - no actors, no words, etc., or I might just ask them to tell me a story without sound or dialogue using settings or materials of their choice. That exercise would always surprise me with the inventiveness of the students - if they got my meaning.

I am so grateful that my father helped me find my interest in film/movie making/editing when I was young. Thanks to him I could write, shoot and edit 8mm & 16mm film before I turned 10 years old. That passion has never left me.. it's been sidetracked by life getting in the way, but the passion still burns within.

To think of the "old days", the early days of television and film production in America is a wonderful way I enjoy spending some of my time. Yes, I do wish I could have been around the industry back then - blah, blah blah.. and I do feel very fortunate to have grown up when I did. If you are familiar with a TV show called "The Wonder Years" well, that was my life.. right down to the brother who was two years older than I and the hippie sister who was part of the revolution.. The girl's name wasn't Winnie.. but I was friends with a girl named Winnie back then...

Anyway, today I find myself missing those years, those thoughts and feelings and the excitement of live TV.

Killer set-up lines for a film...

Some of the best film "set-up" dialogue I've heard in a long time:

"He's come to collect."

"I thought so. He's early.

"What can I do?"

"Nothing."

"Must be something. How many days left?"

"Three. You know, you're gonna have to tell her soon."

---
The above occurs at 13:44 into "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" by Terry Gilliam.

A very short sequence, but perfect in it's purpose.

I think it's brilliant. This simple bit of dialogue introduces the "person with a problem" aspect with immediacy and nervousness. It then brings a sub-plot into the expectations of the viewer and begins to lead the viewer on into the journey that is storytelling through film. Questions flood the brain; "Who's coming? What does he intend to collect?, What's the deadline about?, Who is this "her" that the character needs to "tell soon"?

Brilliant.

Scan this...

There seems to be quite a bit of press lately about the full-body scanners at airports and the "legality" of such devices. Many people feel that our rights are being taken away from us - our right to privacy, etc., well what would you rather have - your privacy or your safety?

Seriously, if we ever expect to see airline travel that is safe from someone blowing the plane up.. if we ever want to be able to board an airplane without that fear, we will need to allow infringements upon our rights and let the scanners see whatever they need to, to be sure that no one will be exploding anything while the plane is in the air.

Until an entirely different approach to air travel is implemented world-wide (my proposal is outlined below...), we all will need to eagerly comply with whatever "screening methods" the powers that be choose. Just shut the h*ll up and drop your trousers, cough, turn around then pick 'em back up and get on the friggin' plane.

I have a much simpler solution to this problem. Upon check-in for any flight, each passenger will be informed of the fact that "this flight will be a napping flight" and if you do not wish to follow the rules for the flight, you will forfeit your seat on the flight and will need to make other travel arrangements.

Of course this proposed solution will never be possible as it infringes upon your personal rights in almost every way imaginable, but.. it could work.

ALL flights will be "napping" flights in that each passenger will be given a pill prior to boarding that, once the flight is taxiing for take-off, will lull the passenger to sleep for the duration of the flight (different pills for different durations of flights..). Once the aircraft has landed safely at the destination the passengers will start waking up, refreshed and ready for their connecting flights or exiting the airport.

None of the usual annoyances of flying will be felt by any passenger - loud children, crowded aisles/bathrooms. No flight attendant will ever have to worry about handing out drinks or pretzels. Nor will they be required to "deal with" unruly passengers. It's a win-win situation for all parties involved! And, nobody will have an opportunity to detonate anything because everyone will be asleep.

Special situations will require special solutions - at risk travelers with health problems, medication interactions, etc. but I'm sure all potential problem areas can be solved. Or, do away with the pill idea and just gas the lot of the passengers right before take-off. Then pump in fresh oxygen and wake everyone up when the plane has landed.

Of course we'll still need to be scanned and screened and poked and prodded before every flight.. but that's just the way it will have to be.

Worse than imagined...

Now for the "Tell me something I DON'T know" department:

From "The Atlantic" magazine web site in an article titled
"How a New Jobless Era Will Transform America" written by Don Peck:
---
Heidi Shierholz, an economist at the Economic Policy Institute, notes that if the recovery follows the same basic path as the last two (in 1991 and 2001), unemployment will stand at roughly 8 percent in 2014.

“We haven’t seen anything like this before: a really deep recession combined with a really extended period, maybe as much as eight years, all told, of highly elevated unemployment,” Shierholz told me.

“We’re about to see a big national experiment on stress.”

(Regarding the college aged youths who will be entering the job markets in the next few years):

"..It is intuitive to think that youth will be spared the worst of the recession’s scars. But in fact a whole generation of young adults is likely to see its life chances permanently diminished by this recession."

People who entered the workforce during a recession “didn’t switch jobs as much, and particularly for young workers, that’s how you increase wages,”

This behavior may have resulted from a lingering risk aversion, born of a tough start. But a lack of opportunities may have played a larger role, she said: when you’re forced to start work in a particularly low-level job or unsexy career, it’s easy for other employers to dismiss you as having low potential. Moving up, or moving on to something different and better, becomes more difficult.

“Graduates’ first jobs have an inordinate impact on their career path and [lifetime earnings],” wrote Austan Goolsbee, now a member of President Obama’s Council of Economic Advisers, in The New York Times in 2006. “People essentially cannot close the wage gap by working their way up the company hierarchy. While they may work their way up, the people who started above them do, too. They don’t catch up.” Recent research suggests that as much as two-thirds of real lifetime wage growth typically occurs in the first 10 years of a career. After that, as people start families and their career paths lengthen and solidify, jumping the tracks becomes harder.
---

OK, my immediate future is fucked. The prospects for my children and their future employment seem equally fucked.

Something's got to give. Where is the WPA for this age? Why can't our government step up and hire all of us out of work people to help fix our aging infrastructures and build new networks for the communications future? It's simple really, and it works.

(The information below is from Wikipedia.. I know, probably the worst place for "facts".. but quick and convenient nonetheless).
---
The Works Progress Administration (renamed during 1939 as the Work Projects Administration; WPA) was the largest New Deal agency, employing millions to carry out public works projects, including the construction of public buildings and roads, and operated large arts, drama, media and literacy projects. It fed children and redistributed food, clothing and housing. Almost every community in the United States had a park, bridge or school constructed by the agency, which especially benefited rural and Western populations. Expenditures from 1936 to 1939 totaled nearly $7 billion.

(Hmm, 7 billion. That's quite a bit LESS than we gave to the banks and financial robber barons recently.. Surely we can benefit more by dedicating funds to something that helps the masses rather than the "banks".)

Created by order of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the WPA was funded by Congress with passage of the Emergency Relief Appropriation Act of 1935 on April 8, 1935. The legislation had passed in the House of Representatives by a margin of 329 to 78, but was delayed by the Senate.

The WPA continued and extended relief programs similar to the Reconstruction Finance Corporation (RFC), which was established by Congress in 1932 during the administration of Roosevelt's predecessor Herbert Hoover. Headed by Harry Hopkins, the WPA provided jobs and income to the unemployed during the Great Depression in the United States. Between 1935 and 1943, the WPA provided almost eight million jobs.

Until ended by Congress and war employment during 1943, the WPA was the largest employer in the country. Most people who needed a job were eligible for at least some of its jobs. Hourly wages were the prevailing wages in each area; the rules said workers could not work more than 30 hours a week, but many projects included months in the field, with workers eating and sleeping on worksites. Before 1940, there was some training involved to teach new skills and the project's original legislation had a strong emphasis on training.
---
It's called a jump start.. and it's along the lines of the "something.. ANYTHING" train of thought.

one word: HELP!

False Evidence Appearing Real

.. or FEAR.

I'm so afraid right now.
Afraid about; my health, my future - or lack thereof, my inability to kick myself in the ass and get f*cking moving..., afraid of myself.

I've been here before. I'm not the best at picking myself up, dusting myself off and starting all over again. I am very well practiced at self-pity. Back "in the day" I used to just dissappear when I started feeling this fear. I'd dissappear for several days or a week or more, and think and meditate/contemplate and ultimately come to terms with myself.. on my own terms.
This is the first time I have not been able to just take off into the wild and escape myself and all that surrounds me. I'm on an awfully damned tiny island for f*ck's sake.

Gotta get back to the lower 48. I absolutely L O V E Hawai'i, but I'm done living here. I'm afraid of the unknown. This is not like me. I have always been pretty rock solid and capable of dealing with whatever came my way. But this is, in some ways, exactly like me - just not the public version. As far back as I can remember I've had these "episodes" of self doubt, or fear every so often that I would deal with, overcome and hide from everyone. As I get older I fear that my fear grows stronger in spite of my efforts to reduce it's influence upon my waking life.

I used to be able to recognize the fact that I was entering one of these phases and adjust accordingly (plan my disappearance) for the inevitable "down time", and plan, with complete confidence, on moving through the phase and emerging ready for battle on "the other side"...

Now I'm not so sure. The "complete confidence" aspect is missing.

So much of what I always thought was important changed dramatically when I had the heart thing.. ok, when I died. My only honest answer to the question "What is important?" is: my four children and the quality of their lives. Seriously, I can think of nothing else that matters to my heart, mind and soul.

I am afraid that I will not have the level of positive influence or impact on my kids' quality of life as I had hoped and dreamed. I'm afraid I will end up being just another father who didn't make enough money to help his kids have comfortable lives, who never became famous enough to have any notoriety shadow or color their time, who didn't leave an undeniable legacy of joy and happiness for them to be proud of.

Yes, I am afraid right now.


.. but it will probably pass sometime soon.. I hope. :)