Act III

The "third act" of my life is coming fast and screaming around the corner at me...

You can't go home again.

I've only been back in Kansas for about 5 weeks now and already I feel the desire to leave... to go somewhere else to continue my "adventure" of life. Why I cannot seem to be satisfied with any aspect of living here is a mystery to me... but yet, it is real.
Living the past eleven years in places other than Kansas has conditioned my thought process to find time spent in Kansas as temporary. Except now that I have no resources, I cannot see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Everything about being "home" again feels wrong. No, I do not want to mow grass, fix old automobiles or run errands. No, I do not want to be the gypsy I must be to travel to where my kids are and sleep on their couches, or crash at a friend's house for a night or two while I try to spend all the time I can with one or more of my children. It just feels wrong. It feels so temporary, so disconnected, so sad.

My kids all have their lives; my friends are just that... casual friends. Any time I do get to spend with my children or my friends feels "forced" or obligatory in some odd way. I am, for the first time in a very long time, without a female companion. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Maybe for all of the talk about the benefits of being "single" for a change, and the fact that I have been with a woman for the past 27 years, maybe I am lonely. Maybe I do need the warmth of a woman's heart to fill this void I'm feeling. I suppose time will tell. The only woman I care about, whom I adore, the only girl for me… doesn’t have the room or the time in her life for me right now. It’s not her fault – she has two high school age children who take up all of her time and attention – she’s just trying her best to be a good mom. I can’t expect her to make any changes just because I’m here now and would love to spend time with her.

I'm too old to "run away". I'm too old to "start over". I'm 50. I'm unemployed. My future does not look very bright.

I'd join the circus but I ain’t no clown.

The odds of finding stimulating, challenging, meaningful work at this age are as thin as they can possibly be. Ordinarily I am usually someone who can focus on positive thinking and march right into adversity with confidence and emerge triumphant for having done so.

As I look back though, I realize that I've been able to do so (the confidence thing) largely due to the fact that I had the love and companionship of a woman by my side during those times. Actually, during all of my "times". Damn, does this mean I need to find love again to feel "normal"? And isn't that an extremely selfish reason to find love again? Love, for me, is about giving, caring and working to bring pleasure to my partner's day-to-day world. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had any other motive in a relationship.
Of course, not everything is black and white or simple in any relationship. Motives can change, and then change back many times during the course of a relationship. Hell, they can change many times during the course of a single day...

Something's got to give. If I am to be "re-born" over the next few months, as a friend who is into astrology says I am, then I must, as a part of that re-birth, be patient. I must direct my energy towards a few core fundamentals - health, mental readiness, spiritual growth, etc.

But I am restless. I have always been restless. If things around me do not change, then I change the things around me. I move on. I have always gotten my kicks from something new... new surroundings, new work, new people, new toys.

Which brings me to probably the most fundamental truth about myself - I have led my life by avoiding what I do not want, rather than going after what I do want. It is often said that one must "go for your dreams", or "have goals and try your best to achieve them", etc. but I've done the flip side of that. I don't remember having any "goals" or "dreams". I've never felt comfortable even thinking about "what I want". That scares me. I don't know what I want. But I do know what I do NOT want.

I do not want to work the same job for 30 or 40 years. I do not want to live in the same small town for those 30 or 40 years. I do not want routines. I do not want repetition of un-exciting, un-stimulating activity. I do not want to reach the end of my life full of regrets.

Somehow, even though none of us "wants" regrets at the end of our lives, we all will have them, regardless of the choices we've made during our days of living and choosing. Well, all this would be fine if I didn't have to go on living... but I do, so - where to go from here? How do I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again THIS time? I have to. It's that simple. So, I don't know how and I don't know when, but change WILL happen. Again.

Ooh, a mystery! Something new... this might get interesting. That's how I'll start - I'll convince myself of the "adventure" of figuring out how to carry on and move into the next phase of my life. Wish me luck! Or don't. How bad can a Tuesday get?
Boy, you ain't seen nothin’ yet.