hss

In the topography of Spirit, of the emotions and feelings and continuity of infinite life, there would be an apparent spark if one could see it because of Harry’s light and spirit. And it will live there, in my heart and mind, forever. A once in a lifetime experience for me. I am so grateful to have shared it with such a man, and to bask in his glow as he discovered Earth and life – and to ride along with him as he lifted the moment into a place beyond the reach of the most sensitive ear laid upon the most forgiving ground. Lifted it into the realm of the perception of perpetual harmony. I will forever treasure the moment, and that I was along for the ride. Thank you to all who tuned in across the universe, and to those that came to the show. Here’s to the heights, the incomparable heights of Harry Scott Shimp.

My best friend on planet Earth. 1-19-59 to 11-6-11. Rest in peace brother.

Happy Birthday to my twins Adam and Shannon!

Wow, 24 years goes by pretty damn fast.

Hold on kids, life is screamin' along at a million miles an hour...
Grab every experience and adventure you can and collect memories like they'll be worth everything one day... because they will be.

Toss everything else - money, jobs, responsibilities, etc. - Screw that! Life is for living. Period. Exclamation point. (smiley face)

Proud Papa...

12:03pm,Monday - Oct 24th, 2011:

Thomas:
Hey Pops, I know this is random... but thank you for being a truely amazing father. After talking to some people in trying times tonight
I am lucky to have a dad who lets me know how much he cares for his son. Seriously man you're a pretty rad dad!@

Me:
Aww. Thank you son. That means more to me than you'll ever know - until you have a son. And especially a first son. I love you more than life itself.

---
(with swelled chest) That's my boy. !)

Ne Me Quitte Pas

please.

you are a bright friggin' light. I need you

to see

Here We Go

I discovered that

I've been/was waiting for some sort of permission or "pardon" in order to carry on with improving my life.

My kids were not enough. My kids were not enough for many, many years when it came to smoking, and quitting that was downright embarrassing(LY EASY). It was so damn simple.

I know now that my life would have at least smelled much better had I quit long ago.

Tonight felt good inside.

Damn those secret prisons we put ourselves into.
We make them so hard to escape.
So brutally hard.

Love is much more powerful than even I imagined. This could change everything.

Here we go.

hss - sos - one19

I can’t stop crying. I’ve never felt this before and I don’t know what to do, how to feel, how to make it through, how to make it all go away. My best friend on this planet has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He can barely talk about it. He’s been whisked away to a land of chemotherapy and sickness. He says to me that he can feel himself "wasting away" and that he cannot eat. We've both been avid marijuana advocates for most of our lives but that ain't the thing. No one is giving him anything for the pain of his sciatic nerve problem though all of this. I thought I had been through a lot in my life already, including my heart attack at 43 when I was sure that I would die. Slipping in and out of human consciousness it was images and thoughts of my children that saved my life and kept me here - for how long I do not know. Now, nothing compares to this agony I feel. This total helplessness and physical pain I feel for my friend.

I know that writing about “my experience” during another person’s time of tragedy may be considered selfish, and I am truly sorry if you feel that way. This process of writing this down as it pours out is allowing me to deal right now at 5:19 am. I’ve been crying since 1:19 am for One19.

There is NO reason, NO justice, NO explanation for this to be happening to him.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm an atheist. Hell, even God knows I am an atheist, but dear Lord, if you exist and, if you must, please afflict me with this cancer and not him. He’s done nothing to deserve this. His only daughter is still very young. My four kids are grown. I have had adventures while he has not. Take me in place of him I beg of you. Do this to somebody else, please.

It is now 10 o'clock in the morning and I feel as though I have been crying all night long - throughout my sleep. I must go see him today. I know that I'll need to "be strong" for him and try to play the part of a true friend and concentrate on shaking him out of his funk long enough to see some reasons to fight this. If he allows the cancer to rule he will most surely slip away from us all, and I for one, am not ready for that, nor will I ever be.

Somebody help, please. What can I do? I love this person and do not want them to suffer or leave... or hurt anymore.

.. work in progress

OK, this stuff just came spilling out of my head tonight so I wrote it down.
Sorry if it's bad.
-----------

I've always had a talent of masquerading my exasperation.
After struggle upon struggle, I took a long vacation.

Magically transforming into more than a couple of years,
the nights and days and days and nights released a flood of tears.

I'm aware the end is coming, hopefully not quite yet.
I want to recognize what I'm missing and start to start the "get".
None of it will be easy, most of it will hurt,
but doing nothing at all will surely cover me with dirt.

Living for the moments and relishing in sins of flesh,
My quest for wisdom strengthened. My will to live refreshed.

Having “scratched all these itches,” turning each and every stone.
I will honestly shout, as I make my way towards "home,"
"Come marvel at what 'normal' is and maybe, with a grin,
you'll come to the conclusion that obstacles are mainly within."

With a resonable faxcimile of my fate having now been set
I feel I can turn the page with only one 'small' bit of regret.

Some June thoughts...

I think, as we grow older, we all get deeper and stronger and more knowledgeable of ourselves, and better at what we do. We also become harder on ourselves when it comes to accounting for the dreams we've reached for, and those we have not. That hardness on ourselves manifests in many different ways and can lead to an isolationism of sorts if we let it control how we feel and act. Forgiveness comes wrapped for individual use too you know. I can think of a few friends from various times ago who, I'm afraid, have taken things too hard and are thereby extremely reluctant to come out of the shell/hole they're in. Our lives come in chapters and if we're smart, we set things up for the new chapter to be better than the one we leave behind. Sure we'd all shine if tomorrow's hindsight were available to us today.

I close my eyes for a while

I close my eyes for a while and whaddya know!? - a year has passed and I'm still in the past. "We gotta get out of this place. If it's the last thing we ever do."

So much pain, so many hardships - and that's just what I'm looking at. I'm lucky only a minimal portion is mine, all mine. My daughters' wings get stronger by the minute. My sons' restlessness starting to show. Ahh but if only I were able to help them all go.
All they need is a little dough.

Cancer casts shadows over friends and their lives. Loneliness and heartache ain't nothin' to bitch about. Shut my mouth, think about south...

..to be continued.

Oh the places you’ll go.

I awoke this morning having been struck by nostalgia for the places I’ve been, the places I’ve lived and the places I’ve returned to. My mind plays cruel tricks on itself and manufactures memories that quite possibly did not happen at all. Those manufactured memories temporarily have me longing to return to, or re-live the happy moments of life when it was simple and held so much promise, and purpose. Reality explodes these faux-memories and shines an intensely bright light on the fallacy of it all. Lit with such brightness, my mind struggles with reconciling the real with the “just seem real” aspects of my memories. Figuring out the difference between these two types of memories is an arduous task at best.

This morning I am hit with the realization that I will not be going back to live in Hawaii, or Delaware, or Philly or New York. I do not know what the future holds for me but I’ll wager that it won’t be a trip backwards. I spent most of my young life wishing to leave Kansas and get started on the adventures of life. Well, life is now on the downhill slope and those adventures happened while I wasn’t paying attention. At 50, I do not feel that many opportunities will be presenting themselves to me like they did when I was 20. No, I am working on coming to terms with a diminished life of trying to get my messes in some sort of order so that the impact of my demise will not be a burden to those who carry on after me. I doubt seriously that I will meet and fall in love with a woman anytime soon, if at all before my time is up. I can honestly say “been there, done that” when it comes to matters of the heart. I left an 18 year long marriage of little intimacy for a bit more than a decade of “all you can ____” with an absolute firecracker of a woman. Now, the only woman I care for may not care for me like I wish she would. Or she may. I don't know and she's not saying right now. We did discuss the inevitability of the need to wait a few years - yes, years - before we could be together in any real sense of the phrase. That time period is hard on my heart for sure. Enough of that love stuff. My gut feeling is that I should spend my next few years traveling on my motorcycle to parts of the country I had always kind of dreamed about. I suppose I should try and answer the questions surrounding the details of such journeys - like how will I get the funds to pay for it all in the first place and… no that’s about it - how to pay for it all.

Destiny, do I have one? Do we all? What is mine? If I do possess such an esoteric item, can I influence it just a little bit maybe?

When I was young I had the good fortune to appear on stage in a few performances. It was enough to awaken in me the hunger for applause. The feedback of an audience was unlike any other feeling I had ever had, or could have ever imagined. I never pursued acting or any other form of public performing and I’m not sure why. I do realize now that I have been “performing” at every job I’ve ever had - substituting praise of a job well done for the applause and generating as much laughter as possible whenever possible. Something wonderful happens inside when something I’ve said or done makes someone smile or laugh. I hope I will have this ability for the rest of my life.

Humor must surely be a part of my destiny. Humor feels great - giving it or getting it - it doesn’t matter. Laughter will prove someday to be the best medicine I’m sure. My “ability” to charm females of all ages is directly related to my ability to get them laughing and smiling and feeling good. I never used that on purpose in a pre-meditated way, but I did enjoy the benefits as often as I could. Who knows, maybe my sense of humor will assist me in finding someone to love once again. I am also realizing that “performing” carried over into my relationships with every other person I came in contact with. A smile, a laugh and then a few smiles more has always been my style.

Watching the world as it slowly sinks into a decline from which it will never recover is not a pleasant experience. I had hoped that the future would hold some promise and opportunity for my children. Now I just hope the worst part will not come until after their lives have been lived. Grandchildren should be avoided if possible. If not, good luck to them and I hope they lead the revolution!

My one page is almost up so I will close with this: Life should be lived on the move. Sitting still is for those who have become paralyzed. Enjoy the ride and smile while doing so. Laughter should be the music of our lives.

To you know who,

I miss you and yes, I love you

This pisses me off

I found this in my e-mail earlier this evening. A message from newly elected Congressman Mike Pompeo - (see below for my reply)

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Reply from Congressman Mike Pompeo
From: "Congressman Mike Pompeo"
Date: Fri, February 11, 2011 1:46 pm
To:


Dear Mr. Owens:

Thank you for contacting me to express support for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with me on this issue. In order to make sound decisions, it is important for me to hear from Kansans.

When first established in 1970, the EPA was given a mission to protect human health and to safeguard the natural environment. I believe humanity has a mandate given to us by our Creator to be a good stewards of this planet. In addition, I share the basic belief of every American that we need clean air, water, and land.

However, as a former small business owner, I have seen first hand the dangers of an overreaching EPA. For instance, on January 2nd of 2011, the EPA started regulating greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide. Small businesses, farms, hospitals, and even churches in Kansas could be exposed to unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations for the first time.

These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. Businesses in Kansas, already facing stiff competition from overseas, will be put at an even greater disadvantage with countries like China and India that have no intention of imposing similar regulations on their businesses. I believe it is essential for Congress to exercise thoughtful oversight of EPA, especially when it comes to unnecessary regulatory initiatives that harm the economy.

Again, thank you for your thoughts on the EPA. If you have any additional questions or concerns on this or another issue, please do not hesitate to call on me or Jim Richardson of my Washington, D.C. staff. It is an honor to serve the people of Kansas in the United States Congress.

Sincerely,

Mike Pompeo
Member of Congress
----

(Here is what I wrote back to him):

Mr. Pompeo and/or Jim Richardson:

I have no idea how long ago I may have signed some on-line petition which resulted in this "contact" you refer to. But, now that I read your reply - complete with its overtly religious rhetoric ("... our Creator", etc.) I am furious. It is obvious that you are using the religious card as a way of endearing yourself to me in some way. Yes, the numbers will show that you have a better chance of being perceived as a "Christian brother" if you use wording like this and I'm sure you were hoping for just that when you chose to include it in this message. However, more importantly there is supposed to be a separation of church and state in all things related to the government - written communications included. I find it pathetic of you to try such lame tactics. Clearly you have MUCH to learn as a "politician".

Now, on to the subject at hand.

Those "unnecessary burdensome federal environmental emissions regulations" you refer to are the only thing in place to stop rampant abuse of the planets' natural resources by corporate America. I seriously doubt that churches and small businesses here in Kansas are who we should be worrying about when it comes to environmental emissions. You know as well as I that it is the large corporations and "factory-farm" operations that stand to gain the most if emissions controls are reduced. If you say otherwise you are lying to yourself and you know it.

The EPA should have more power and control over things than almost any other segment of our government. Protecting the environment may be a nuisance to your precious greedy little minds but it is what may just keep us humans alive for just a little bit longer - my kids are worth it. Your corporate profits are NOT.

Your statement of "These regulations will undoubtedly increase the cost of doing business, stunt desperately needed job creation in our region, while not significantly improving air quality. .. .. unnecessary regulatory initiatives that harm the economy." is unfounded and incorrect. Prove it moron. In typical politician speak, you are over generalizing this issue by trying to make it sound like jobs are on the line here and that the cost of doing business is more important than the environment that we ALL live in. You write a few short sentences and think that is a sufficient argument to the issue at hand. It is exactly that type of thought by conservative republicans that has led America, and the world, into the environmental mess that we are in and continuing to think that way is detrimental to our future. If you think that the EPA is "overreaching" and that it is "dangerous" because trying to delay the degradation of the environment cuts into profits and does not "significantly improve air quality" then you are oblivious to the real issues and severely ignorant of what is truly important. It is very clear from your statement that profits and greed are at the forefront of your office's opinions and actions.

I can't even remember if you are a Democrat or Republican - either way you have the wrong thoughts going off in your head if you think that ANYTHING is more important than this planet we live on.

So, enjoy your paycheck from us constituents while your lack of foresight threatens our planet. Oh, and getting back to your blatant abuse of the religion thing, be sure to "praise the lord" in your future doings as that big "mystery guy" in the sky will appreciate it. Here's a tip - go watch the Zeitgeist films and learn something you bible-thumping idiot. I feel sorry for you as it is obvious that you were brainwashed, probably at a very young age, to believe in organized religion and the subsequent mental impairments that follow.

In summation, leave religion out of it and go learn something about this planet we live on. Change your thought process and think of your children (if you have any) and/or their children's future in all you do as a member of the American government. You need to stop drinking the conservative, profit-minded kool-aid and wake up.

ps, you may want to try out a new thing called "spell-check" before you send things out. My god, I would have thought that there would be a certain level of professionalism, especially when it comes to written communications from a U.S. government official. Your offense is in the part where you invoke the "creator" below, so maybe you were just so full of 'the spirit" that you didn't know what you wrote ... "to be a good stewards of this planet." - seriously?

----

Hence the title of this post - This pisses me off.

Laughter and love...

I really feel like I’ve lost something, or that I am losing it. I do not remember becoming quite as emotional as I do recently while watching films or television shows, or commercials for that matter - yes, I cried along with everybody else way back when the first “Reach out and touch someone” ad campaign began.

Just now, I teared up, slash almost cried, at the ending of an episode of ‘House’. Is it me? Am I softening with age? Could it be that writing talent is just better than it was 20 or 30 years ago? Whichever - and I do hope to figure that one out - the effects seem unfettered and free-flowing within me. When the impact hits, I’m right there, ready with a tear if necessary.

It takes some balls to admit this shit if you’re a man. And ALL of the guys I know know this themselves, weather they would like to admit it or not. It shouldn’t be so, but it is. Men should feel comfortable with their expressions, key word ‘should’. We are programmed to pretend. We are chastised when we falter - adding to our emotional instability. It’s a vicious cycle. On the other side of that coin is the very real fact that it feels VERY good to be strong. The respect and admiration one receives upon exhibiting emotional strength is hard to beat. Like applause to an actor, laughter to a comic, happy tears for the strong one who “got us all through”, can be quite addictive. This teeter-totter of emotional ‘self-allowance’ wrecks most all men, but we’ll NEVER admit to that.

There are several man-truths that cut to the heart of the matter regarding our thoughts and behavior. These truths are never spoken of, never admitted to and never shared with others. They are not given to us by our elders. They are passed through history non-verbally. They just sort of reveal themselves as a boy grows into a man. You learn them from the expressions on other men's faces, from the awkwardness of another's actions, from the rejection in a girl’s voice. They plant deep and establish their influence quickly, almost immediately in some cases. Once learned, they are firmly entrenched in our minds and no therapy can ever change them. All we can hope to do is try and become aware of them and thus, exert a small modicum of control over them. Trust me when I say that the vast majority of men have yet to reach that awareness.

I have broken the cardinal rule many times - the rule of not sharing these man-truths - but for good reason and no harm came of it. Quite the contrary, by shedding a little light on the male psyche sometimes I was richly rewarded by the women I was with. I find one of the most humorous aspects of the ‘secrets’ of men is the fact that many women can see past the secrets and right through us into the insecure little boys we all really are.

I do miss that. The one-on-one talks with a lover in which guards are dropped, nothing is off limits and both parties learn a great deal amidst the laughter and love of the moment. Damn it, I’m starting to tear up a little.

Thoughts from last night...

I can hardly believe it myself, but here I am, alive, awake and sober, wondering why.

They’ve been here only a few hours and I realize it’s all the time I’ll have with them for some time to come. I watch them all step away from the porch, wave goodbye and climb into their cars, knowing that these few hours we’ve spent together will be all that we have for another few months. Did I mention that I won’t see them again for a long time? I like to think they had a good time. That they felt comfortable, happy, and loved. But how do I know for sure? I don’t. I think they’ve humored their dad. I think they really would have preferred to phone in their holiday greetings and skip the drive. But they’re my kids. They take after their dad. They’ll do their best to try and focus on making others happy. They’ll sacrifice a few hours of their time gladly if they know it will make someone else feel less lonely. I love them.

For years I tried to be like a cool friend to each of them, accompanying them into the post-college casual drug use days of the early twenties. I’m coming to terms with how this behavior doesn’t fit a 50 something year old father.
I should have been over this “phase” years ago. I should never have taken pleasure in smoking weed with my kids. I should have been an adult, a mature positive roll model for them in these important years of their youth. Every step of the way I preached the benefits of “everything in moderation” and “alcohol is the worst drug in the world”, that I’d rather see them smoking a joint rather than drinking from a bottle. They’ve all developed healthy recreational drug use habits in that, for the most part, they’re all done with doing drugs as the object of their evenings. I see in them the kind of behavior I should have adopted long before now.

I feel that my actions must be directly related to my guilt, my sadness, my longing for a chance to do things differently. When I moved away and divorced their mother, I did so because I was empty inside. I was desperate for change and the love of a different woman. How selfish I was. How selfish I am still. I try to stay closer to my kids now than I ever did. My parents were never a part of my life like I am trying to be in my kids’ lives right now. Of course, it was a much different world 30 years ago. There remained a bit of the innocence that has since vanished in our society.

How I handle these next few years will be very important in how my children perceive their father. How I move through being unemployed, poor and depressed right now into whatever the future brings, will create an opportunity to teach some good things to my kids through actions rather than just words. I hope I’ll be up to the challenges that lie ahead. I hope I don’t die before I can triumphantly stand on the other side and declare that “you can do anything if you just set your mind to it and give it your best”. So much has to change for me to be able to do just that. Correction - there’s so much that I need to change about myself in order to make that happen. I’m proud to say that I’ve cleared one major hurdle in quitting smoking 15 moths ago. Now I need to loose weight, get in shape, find love, and find the career I’m destined to succeed in before retirement time.

What is that saying? “It’s always darkest before dawn.” Well it’s pretty damn dark.

Why are we here? What purpose do we have to ourselves, to each other? How can our past influence our future? Where do I start? Where do I stop? And the biggest question of all: Why?

I sift through items in basements and closets that speak of a time gone by. So many questions fill my mind. Questions that cannot really be answered in the normal way. I am most curious about the “why” of these old things rather than the “what” or “when”. I see examples of fantastic times and great fun in my parents’ lives, and sometimes in the lives of their parents too. Photographic evidence showing that experience and memory-making had importance in the days of my elders’ lives. Tell me stories. Please enlighten me about the “why” and “how” of these moments in time! The people with the answers are all gone.

Is it selfish for me to wonder these things? Do I cry because I’ll never know what was behind the actions of my loved ones? Or is it because I regret not asking the questions when I had the chance? Was I too “busy” with my own pursuits and full of myself and my life when I should have been learning from theirs? Will my kids instinctively know better how to grow forward with their lives? Is there anything I can do now to help them avoid their own regrets? Do I have enough time left here on earth to figure out some answers?

I should write a will, a living directive outlining my wishes for what is to become of me if I grow old and senile, or if I die. I’ll work on that but my first gut feeling is that it’s pretty simple actually. My “loose ends” are my collections of “stuff” and how they should be disposed:

1. I’ve way too many 35mm cameras and associated gear that I bought on eBay with plans of selling for a profit when the time was right. I’m still waiting for that “right time” to come.

2. My vinyl record collection that served as my psychotherapy through the years. Some of those old records may be worth good money someday. I think their real value is in the music and lyrics they contain.

3. My assorted Harley parts for my two bikes. Old Sportster pieces and parts that should probably be sold off, unless I think I’ll actually get around to building another bike with them.

4. I’ve way too many Frisbees and disc golf discs which need to be sold off given that I’m pretty sure I have the 10 or 20 that I’ll use in my pursuit of that sport.

I truly wish I had amassed assets and riches to be divided equally among my children upon the event of my death. Life might be so much easier for them with just a little bit of wealth. With just enough money so that their worries may be reduced and so that they could focus their attention on what they would like to do, where they would like to do it, and how they would benefit from the experiences, rather than how they would pay for it all. (To my kids: If I have not created wealth for you before I die, I am truly sorry. If I have, then spend it wisely and save some for your childrens future!)

I think, and hope, my children will agree that I spent my energy on acquiring experiences and memories over wealth and possessions during my life. I cannot count the times I have told my kids that “There’s a BIG world out there! Go and see, grab the experience of travel and find your dreams and aspirations, and discover things!” I said this to them, I think, because I wanted it for myself, but never really made it. As a person who never really had specific dreams and aspirations, I thought that adventure in and of itself was as good a goal as anything. Unless I’m wrong, living vicariously through our children is a rather common thing, yes?

Karma can be a bitch, or so I’ve heard. Honestly, I feel I’ve tried to “spread da aloha” and put out positive vibes - create good karma whenever I could. We’ll see how that works out. Up until the end of my last relationship I have always taken pride in knowing that the women I’ve loved are still friends of mine. Now it seems that, one by one, those past lovers/friends are falling by the wayside. Karma? You tell me.

As I think of things tonight, I think of the fact that I have very few “real” friends. The kind of friends who open themselves to you in times of need. Who laugh with you to lift your spirits. Who are available because they enjoy your friendship and for no other reason. Sure I have many “regular” friends, but when I start counting I am embarrassed and a little disheartened at the results I come up with lately. I am surrounded by the past and I do not like it. I used to just visit the past once or twice a year and then jet back to my present life - wherever that was at the time. Now I feel as though I am wading in a bog of failed plans and missed opportunities - about 35 years worth. I must get through this depression I’m in. I have to “lively up myself” and make my present about the future and not about the past. “Change is always good” I’d say to my kids. “We may not know or feel it at the time things change, but it always works out and in the long run it is always good for us.” The hard part sometimes is beginning the process of change - trying to make it happen rather than just experiencing it happening to us. When I discover the secret I’ll let everybody know.
---
You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person, and your world is changed forever.