Oh the places you’ll go.

I awoke this morning having been struck by nostalgia for the places I’ve been, the places I’ve lived and the places I’ve returned to. My mind plays cruel tricks on itself and manufactures memories that quite possibly did not happen at all. Those manufactured memories temporarily have me longing to return to, or re-live the happy moments of life when it was simple and held so much promise, and purpose. Reality explodes these faux-memories and shines an intensely bright light on the fallacy of it all. Lit with such brightness, my mind struggles with reconciling the real with the “just seem real” aspects of my memories. Figuring out the difference between these two types of memories is an arduous task at best.

This morning I am hit with the realization that I will not be going back to live in Hawaii, or Delaware, or Philly or New York. I do not know what the future holds for me but I’ll wager that it won’t be a trip backwards. I spent most of my young life wishing to leave Kansas and get started on the adventures of life. Well, life is now on the downhill slope and those adventures happened while I wasn’t paying attention. At 50, I do not feel that many opportunities will be presenting themselves to me like they did when I was 20. No, I am working on coming to terms with a diminished life of trying to get my messes in some sort of order so that the impact of my demise will not be a burden to those who carry on after me. I doubt seriously that I will meet and fall in love with a woman anytime soon, if at all before my time is up. I can honestly say “been there, done that” when it comes to matters of the heart. I left an 18 year long marriage of little intimacy for a bit more than a decade of “all you can ____” with an absolute firecracker of a woman. Now, the only woman I care for may not care for me like I wish she would. Or she may. I don't know and she's not saying right now. We did discuss the inevitability of the need to wait a few years - yes, years - before we could be together in any real sense of the phrase. That time period is hard on my heart for sure. Enough of that love stuff. My gut feeling is that I should spend my next few years traveling on my motorcycle to parts of the country I had always kind of dreamed about. I suppose I should try and answer the questions surrounding the details of such journeys - like how will I get the funds to pay for it all in the first place and… no that’s about it - how to pay for it all.

Destiny, do I have one? Do we all? What is mine? If I do possess such an esoteric item, can I influence it just a little bit maybe?

When I was young I had the good fortune to appear on stage in a few performances. It was enough to awaken in me the hunger for applause. The feedback of an audience was unlike any other feeling I had ever had, or could have ever imagined. I never pursued acting or any other form of public performing and I’m not sure why. I do realize now that I have been “performing” at every job I’ve ever had - substituting praise of a job well done for the applause and generating as much laughter as possible whenever possible. Something wonderful happens inside when something I’ve said or done makes someone smile or laugh. I hope I will have this ability for the rest of my life.

Humor must surely be a part of my destiny. Humor feels great - giving it or getting it - it doesn’t matter. Laughter will prove someday to be the best medicine I’m sure. My “ability” to charm females of all ages is directly related to my ability to get them laughing and smiling and feeling good. I never used that on purpose in a pre-meditated way, but I did enjoy the benefits as often as I could. Who knows, maybe my sense of humor will assist me in finding someone to love once again. I am also realizing that “performing” carried over into my relationships with every other person I came in contact with. A smile, a laugh and then a few smiles more has always been my style.

Watching the world as it slowly sinks into a decline from which it will never recover is not a pleasant experience. I had hoped that the future would hold some promise and opportunity for my children. Now I just hope the worst part will not come until after their lives have been lived. Grandchildren should be avoided if possible. If not, good luck to them and I hope they lead the revolution!

My one page is almost up so I will close with this: Life should be lived on the move. Sitting still is for those who have become paralyzed. Enjoy the ride and smile while doing so. Laughter should be the music of our lives.