False Evidence Appearing Real

.. or FEAR.

I'm so afraid right now.
Afraid about; my health, my future - or lack thereof, my inability to kick myself in the ass and get f*cking moving..., afraid of myself.

I've been here before. I'm not the best at picking myself up, dusting myself off and starting all over again. I am very well practiced at self-pity. Back "in the day" I used to just dissappear when I started feeling this fear. I'd dissappear for several days or a week or more, and think and meditate/contemplate and ultimately come to terms with myself.. on my own terms.
This is the first time I have not been able to just take off into the wild and escape myself and all that surrounds me. I'm on an awfully damned tiny island for f*ck's sake.

Gotta get back to the lower 48. I absolutely L O V E Hawai'i, but I'm done living here. I'm afraid of the unknown. This is not like me. I have always been pretty rock solid and capable of dealing with whatever came my way. But this is, in some ways, exactly like me - just not the public version. As far back as I can remember I've had these "episodes" of self doubt, or fear every so often that I would deal with, overcome and hide from everyone. As I get older I fear that my fear grows stronger in spite of my efforts to reduce it's influence upon my waking life.

I used to be able to recognize the fact that I was entering one of these phases and adjust accordingly (plan my disappearance) for the inevitable "down time", and plan, with complete confidence, on moving through the phase and emerging ready for battle on "the other side"...

Now I'm not so sure. The "complete confidence" aspect is missing.

So much of what I always thought was important changed dramatically when I had the heart thing.. ok, when I died. My only honest answer to the question "What is important?" is: my four children and the quality of their lives. Seriously, I can think of nothing else that matters to my heart, mind and soul.

I am afraid that I will not have the level of positive influence or impact on my kids' quality of life as I had hoped and dreamed. I'm afraid I will end up being just another father who didn't make enough money to help his kids have comfortable lives, who never became famous enough to have any notoriety shadow or color their time, who didn't leave an undeniable legacy of joy and happiness for them to be proud of.

Yes, I am afraid right now.


.. but it will probably pass sometime soon.. I hope. :)