She’s moved on to her next life 😔

I am as lost, as sad, and as mystified as I've ever been. Virginia has passed. My furiously fantastic funny female lover must have been needed in another place or another time. I love her so. I've lost relatives. I've lost friends. I have never lost a lover. This hurts more than words can describe. I'll try to carry on. I'll try to write a more fitting explanation sometime soon. A few weeks have passed since she did, but it still feels like yesterday. Some broken hearts never mend. some memories never end. some tears will never dry. my love for you will never die.

Thanks, thanks alot.

Great. another horrible Christmas. Alone.

Nobody gives two shits about me. Fuck this bullshit. There is literaly no reason for me to keep trying. The only thing stopping me from ending it all is the need to sell the valuable things I have acquired over the past 61 years. Items which, as I've been told by my children, will be simply thrown in the trash upon my death. Analog photography gear, worth hundreds and thousands of dollars in today's market. Certain collectable items that are increasing in value with each passing day. Memorabilia from a life no ones cares to know about.

The only reason anyone wants me around is to get things from me.. to benefit from my generosity and take advatage of my kindness.

Oh yeah, my young girlfriend likes to say "I love you", but hasn't a clue as to what "love" really is. How could she? She's never experienced real love in her life.. ever.

I was fortunate to have experienced two long term (over 10 or 15 years) relationships that were actual, true, deep loving ones. Silly me, to think I might have found a third. Real love involves wanting to physically be with your person as much as you possbliy can. It means that you communicate without fail.. even over-communicate in an effort to avoid misunderstandings. That when you make plans, or promises, you follow through with them. At the absolute least, truly loving someone means that you care how the other is feeling.. about everything, and do everything in your power to support them and help them in their struggle.

Why do humans always make things harder than they have to be? Because the vast majority of humans have never known what really, truly loving another human feels like, nor have they ever known how love works. Most know only about how love fails.

So yeah, thanks. Thanks alot.

Circles. Why always circles?

I thought I could conquer anything. I know I can kill anything before it kills me. I cannot, however, stop people from dying. Once again, a very good friend has passed on. Normally that wouldn't stop me in my tracks.. but this time, I was the one who found him. I was the one who had to contact the authorities to deal with what I found. I was the last human to visit him. Mine was the last voice he ever heard. only about a week before. Details are never neccessary, but I feel that I desperatly NEED to tell someone.. anyone. Even a complete stranger. I need to get the sight and smell of that experience out of my head. I wish I could do so much quicker than the several years that I know it will take. The circle of life can bite me. I've never had to deal with what I'm having to deal with right now.. this is all new to me. Sorry.

I’m done. That’s it. I am through. Too many people ask, no.. asume, expect and demand my assistance with things they can do themselves. People who relish in, and have no problem talking about, their pain, how hard things are, how much they hurt, how they -can’t- do “things” anymore. People who have given up.

Well, I have news for them.. Every.. Single.. Person.. on Earth hurts, every single person is having a hard time these days, and wishes they could just give up and have others do things for them.

I was like that.. for a while.

I reached a point when I had nothing to look forward to.
I mean nothing at all.

But, I found it in me and forced myself to take the first small step towards improving. Now, some 18 months later, I’m doing relatively well.

I know it’s not easy taking that first step, but doing so leads to the second step, and then the third step, and so on.

Nobody will take those steps for you. No one but you. Trying is doing. Relying on everyone else is a dead end road. I will go to the ends of the Earth to help anyone who takes it upon themselves to try to improve their situations and/or health issues. I simply cannot continue to ‘enable’ people who assume that I have all of the time and resources in the world to help them do whatever they need, whenever they need it, regardless of what “it” is.
I just can’t.

These are grown humans.. not helpless children. For whatever reasons, they think they are incapable of taking ANY steps.. let alone a step in the right direction. I guess it is now “tough love” time. Time for me to be unavailable and/or unwilling to continue this charade, this serious drain on my body and brain. I have my own issues. Hell, I have an entire subscription, not just a few issues.

The hardest part will be saying “no”. The next hardest part will be convincing them that they do indeed have the strength and resilience to begin those steps. I’m sorry if this venting paints me as a bad person, but, like anything and everything over which I have no control, I couldn’t care less about what others think. They don’t have to live with me, they don’t have to feel my pain or fight my battles. I do. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a good human. I will always hold out hope that these people find small successes in taking the first few steps towards improving their lives, as that is what motivates the fourth, fifth and five millionth steps. But I’m not able to take the steps for them anymore. I’m done.

You are dead inside if this doesn't bring tears. For Kelly, LeAnne, Linda, Janet, my New Wave/Punk rock girlfriend when I worked in radio, Lynn, Helen, Roxanne, and now GirlyWhirl.

~~ Amy Stroup & Trent Dabbs - Simple Us ~~:

Heavy on my mind
Heavy on my heart
Wanna make it clean
Don't wanna pick it apart
Just hanging on the answer
That we both never say
Sitting in the last time
I let you get away

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple trust
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

Just a war of words
I don't wanna fight
I wanna try and live
Not look over life
Been keeping such a close eye
On all the years between
Careful what I might say
Is the same thing that I mean

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple truth
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

We can make it
We can make it
Ours
Simple words can
Untangle our hearts

Oh forgetful you, forgetful me
Whatever happened to the simple us
Whatever happened to the way it was
Where everything we'd see is all we'd need
Whatever happened to the simple truth
Whatever happened to the us we used to be

-------------- Some "tough guy", eh?

"..95 percent of what lies underwater has not ever been seen by humans."

Wow. That amazes me. It doesn't surprise me, it just amazes me.

So close yet so far away.

Humans are the most arrogant, narcissistic, and unintelligent beings to have ever taken a breath. I'm just gettin' started... hang on, I'll be right back.
Mike

Life never ceases to amaze me.

Who would have thought that most of what has transpired between me leaving Hawaii and now, living back in Kansas, would have happened? Not me, that's for sure. Example: That the only plant with the potential to save the Earth and all life on it would have made such fantastic advancements at the Federal, State and Local levels (Yes, Cannabis Sativa and all of it's contents - CBDs and THCs). There might just be a very real opportunity for a woman to become the President of the USA, and quite a few other changes which bring such promise! More soon...

I guess this is it. I wish I knew why. Is it because everyone is growing older?

As of tonight - December 31st, 2018, after sending out Happy New Year texts to all four of my children, not one of them replied back. It seems to me as though Dad could be dead for all anyone cares. It feels like no one gives a shit about me anymore.

Years ago, just a few, we would all call each other (my 4 kids and even my ex-wife) and yell "Happy New Year!" into each other's ears. Then, year by year, the calls became texts.. but the replies would all happen within a couple minutes of our initial greetings. Up to and including last year - New Year's Eve - Dec. 31st, 2017, all of my children, and usually my ex-wife, greeted me back.

This year I was invited, then uninvited (in hopes of a more personal visit in the future - I guess) to the house owned by my youngest - which I have not even seen yet - for a New Year's Eve party, so I would have thought that she would be awake and would answer my text.. but she didn't. My two sons posted a SnapChat video several hours before New Years, and they both had originally thought about me being with them for tonight's New Years, so I would have imagined that they would have been awake at midnight also. Did I hear back from them with a "Happy New Year Dad!"? - no. Just silence and an empty phone screen. My oldest daughter admittedly told me she was going to sleep at around 10:00 pm, so I knew she wouldn't answer, but we had exchanged our "Happy New Year" greetings earlier.

What the hell happened? What did I do, or not do, to have this blow to my emotions? This downright hurts. I love my kids. I'm getting the feeling that they don't "really" love me back.. maybe they just tolerate me and only interact with me when they have to. You know - maybe a couple of times besides the holidays each year? I don't know, and I feel like a whiny little child, but dammit why can't you even give your father a Happy New Year text reply?

Do you really wish I would just go away and stay out of your lives.. just because I do not have an exciting life of my own anymore with trips to cool places like New York, Honolulu and Las Vegas, as I did in the past?

Well, better than nothing. My boys just gave me a text reply at 2:30am. Happy New Year sons.

G-Poppa-O

G-Poppa-O.. ! I'm gonna be one..! Wow. Honestly, I had started thinking it would never be, that is until after I had passed. None of my kids seemed "eager" or enthusiastic about parenthood. It was that way right up to the point where my oldest daughter told me that she was pregnant. Now things have changed. Now I must think about ways to spoil the little rascal - he or she - that doesn't matter, it's payback time at last! Seriously, proud doesn't come close to the feeling inside. There is a historical component now to my deeper self. One I do not remember ever demanding such attention before. One that is tying another knot in the twine that runs through my entire family. It is absolutely sublime.

All apologies.

The deepest, darkest, farthest reaches of my soul feel like they've been set ablaze and are rapidly burning to ash. Tears and ashes don't mix well. A special bond is formed that encapsulates time. Freezing forever the only heat this heart has ever known. The only things we all have to draw upon are things that happened in the past. As much as we would like to, we cannot draw from our future experiences when composing anything - thoughts, music, promises, excuses. I feel like apologizing to the future. Apologizing for the lame excuse of a life I have been living. Like saying I was sorry ever fixed anything... yeah, right. But, I'm sorry.

And so it begins. The slow fade to black.

Oct. 9, 2016 - The day after what would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary had I stayed married.

So, it seems "official" now. I can't help but feel that none of my children wish to spend time with me any longer. By "spending time", I mean besides the obligatory Holidays and Birthday visits (Birthdays have all but vanished from the list of reasons to get together, now that everyone is an adult). No, I'm talking about being with someone just because you want to be with them, listen to them.. laugh with them. My second son just left after arriving on Friday night. I suppose I could have gone with him and his girlfriend to a micro-brewery here in town last night (Saturday), but I don't drink beer and I hate crowded bars. He knows that, All of my kids know that. I don't want them to change their lives for me, I would just enjoy a little respect by them skipping the beer drinking for one night. He was gone all day yesterday and when I woke up this morning he was already packed and I got about 3 minutes with him before he left. 3 lousy minutes. I asked my mother why she didn't wake me when everyone got up and had breakfast. She didn't have an answer. Hell, she may not want to be around me either. But that pissed me off. She knows what it's like to have precious little time with kids. The least she could have done would have been to wake me up so I could spend breakfast with my son before he left. All of my children have lives of their own and jobs to go to now. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll have either. Being unemployed for 7 years has pretty much forced "retirement" on me. Retired at the age of 49.. but not eligible for Social Security for another 9 years. I'm fucked.

I don't know why my kids could care less if I'm invited to "family functions", or why they could care less about spending time with me. My oldest takes every opportunity he can to berate me for being overweight. Even though I have literally told him that doing so hurts my feelings and have asked him kindly to please keep hurtful thoughts to himself - a very important social skill. The fact that he continues to do that hurts more than he'll ever know. If he doesn't learn humility, and quick, that is going to ruin every one of his relationships.. with anyone. My twins, who I thought I had the best relationship with out of the four, come and go in a flash and my youngest never has more than 5 or 10 minutes available for me on any given day, and that's WITH planning for the visit. To be fair, she does have two jobs and is the first of my kids to buy a house of her own. Yeah, I know, everyone has their reasons. But I had always envisioned having a good, no, GREAT relationship with my kids for many reasons - I'm "cool", over the years I have paid for them to visit New York City, Philadelphia and Honolulu. When I did that, they were younger. Young enough to not be burdened with jobs and bills, etc. I also felt that I would be their choice of who to spend time with between their stepfather (a real douche-bag), and I. I ride Harley's, I'm the one every person in the world who knows me calls when they need tech support for anything that has to do with computers or technology in general. I know my shit but I'm not arrogant about it, just confidant. For all I know, my kids would rather spend time - grilling meals in the back yard, playing cards, and so on, with their mother and her dip-shit husband, than with me. If the laws of Karma are right, that would not be the case. But even that - their views on spirituality - are not guaranteed to be similar to mine.

As the time marches on during my unemployed years (which may be all the rest of my days), I'm getting turned down by old friends, ex-lovers, and basically everyone who doesn't buy their vices from me. They want me to come by and deliver "the goods", but stick around and have a conversation? I can think of only 3 people who find my company and my input valuable. Three people. Fuck. I came here from Hawaii to help my mother with her rental properties because she no longer has my dad or my brother to help get the heavy lifting done. I feel, being unemployed STILL, my 83 yr. old mother is as disappointed as she can be at my lack of success - measuring by the traditional meanings of success - lots of money, highly respected at work, loving wife and family, etc. - and there's nothing I can do about it. My instincts tell me to run. To get far away, maybe back to Hawaii to give everyone an excuse for not coming to see me. For not wanting to share time with me. I suppose it will be this way until the day comes that everyone is informed of my imminent demise from some form of cancer or heart problems. Nothing like death to get folks out of the house and to a party.

30 years ago I had my first child. I just knew that he would grow up to be just like his dad and ride Harleys and we'd party 'till I was at least 90. But even that dream has been shattered. It was shattered who knows how long ago when my sons told me that they had no interest in inheriting and owning a 1971 Sportster into their old age, so they could "cash-in" when the time was right.

My personality traits - an incurable romantic, a biker, an intellectual... those traits all stop with me. I'm not so full of self-pity that I doubt their "love" for me, but only one of my kids makes a point of telling me so. Fuck I hate this. I had better relationships with my kids when I lived 5000 miles away in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

Maybe I just need to vanish. If I remove myself from the equation, my kids won't even have to think of me. My idea of being needed by my mother to help her with her rental properties has turned out to be wrong. I'm not needed here. I'm just one more burden she doesn't need. She'll probably out-live me anyway.

Don't even ask about any “romantic life” I may or may not have. None of the women who used to love me do so – at that level – anymore. Frankly, I don't care anymore. What difference would it make?

I'm NOT having a good day. I don't know if I ever will again. I know I DAMN sure won't if I ever need to utter the phrase "President Trump"..! I feel like I need to vomit just writing that.

Aloha malama pono Cheryl, hemolele Ānela.

Through these tears I try to type my crying heart. You touched so many people's lives. So many more than most of us will ever come near. You are a healer, a prophet, a satirist.. an angel. Truly. You questioned authority and demanded equality. You entertained with but a smile, those dimples barely hiding your knowing guile.

To say that you will be missed is the understatement of the century. No. You, my dear, will live on as long as time is measured and memories hold precious jewels and treasures - times spent with you. Countless as the stars in the night sky are the tears that flow and the laughter that glows just knowing you are here eternally in the hearts and minds of so many of us mere mortals. You made my good friend happy. That in itself is reason enough for me to love you.

You know that I care what happens to you,
And I know that you care for me too
So I don't feel alone
Of the weight of the stone
Now that I've found somewhere safe
To bury my bone
And any fool knows a dog needs a home
A shelter from pigs on the wing

Wow.. time doesn't fly, it flat out blasts by at supersonic speeds.

Well, from July in 2015 to February in 2016. What's that - 7 months? Daaayum! Well, I'd like to say that my life has changed for the better with a new job, a new romantic relationship, and generally great news! I'd like to say that, but I can't. Sorry (I say to myself), things have not changed. Some may say that I am ultimately responsible and that things have not changed because I have not changed them. Maybe that's true... OK I know that's true, but I like to think that, to some degree, others have rolls to play in whatever change happens in my life (others being potential employers, potential girlfriends, etc). But as of today there have been no major ch ch ch changes (goodbye Bowie).

More to come later this evening. I'm trying to concentrate on working towards a podcast of sorts with a good friend of my oldest son. The struggle for me is trying to wrap my head around what potential audience there might be, and how I might contribute to "the cause"... film at eleven.

OK, here it is - 11 already.
I hate the fact that, in order to create and maintain a podcast you must define it - label it - specify what type of content it contains... this must be done in order for the podcast to be, in essence, "found" by any potential listener searching for content to amuse or entertain or educate themselves. These definitions of what the podcast is about simply MUST be coded into the XML file that serves as the RSS feed that is the vehicle on which your audio and/or video travel to the audience.
Such a waste when all one would like to do is discuss whatever comes to mind.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."

Here's a little secret.. some of them do.

So, categorize we shall. Luring folks in with a multitude of "descriptions" and then dazzling them with wit and wisdom for the ages. Here goes..

Well then, hi-dee-hi cats & kittens.
It's 2015. It's July. It's time I spill my guts again.

But not tonight, It is getting late.
I shall write again soon, very soon.

---

Well, here we are folks. Just you and me. Oh, here's a short movie review for you. Of a film titled: Manglehorn

This is a film that physically hurt me from the inside out.

Damn truth. I fucking HATE it.

Everywhere things have been popping up which seem to be trying to tell me something - "When it's over, it's over. Don't keep watering a dead flower."

Now I see this film "Manglehorn" with Al Pacino playing a character that does NOT want to let go of a past love, or his hopes of re-kindling the flames in her heart... he knows he fucked up years ago and wishes he could right his wrongs...
(hint: the movie review is over)

The parallels with me and my life/loves (Helen, Rox, Janet, and possibly a couple others) are feeling too familiar. It hurts me. I hurt myself by holding on to hope that I might be able to hold Roxanne in my arms again. To feel again.. anything - love, joy, pain, desire, to be desired.

I need to stop trying to water my dead plant. I need to, I just don't want to accept the truth of it all.

How do I? How do I not.

Romantic love, which I admit to being completely addicted to, seems now to be the farthest thing from me in my life. Longing for, dreaming of, wanting, needing, missing, a woman to cherish, provide for and protect is like a foreign language to me. And I know it is mostly my fault for it being so.

I've lived the lives that most people wish for - I grew up in the exact same fashion as the main character in a television show called "The Wonder Years", I had parents that stayed together till death did they part. I was encouraged by my parents every step of the way that I chose to take for my entire young life. I was fortunate enough to have met and married a girl I met while I was a disc jockey, when I was about 22 years old. She and I established a family with four kids. Then after 18 years, we mutually decided to divorce. I then move in with my cosmic soul mate from centuries past, present and future, and stayed with her for ten years, two of which were spent living right on the beach on O'ahu's north shore. Fresh fish, vegetables, and tropical fruits at your fingertips. Breathing in fragrant flowers with every breath, gazing on the most magnificently beautiful island paradise that can be found on the planet. Feeling as though the world was my oyster and I could get the pearl anytime I desired, I went through personal upheaval and came home. While here I helped my 2nd closest friend of the past 20 years prepare to, and die from lung cancer. I fall further and further into debt because unemployment ran out - twice. I know I am depressed. Hey but I lost 30 lbs. in 3 months! That's a good thing, right? :(

This thing that has a choke-hold on my heart is something I could have never imagined. I guess that’s why it hurts so much – I have absolutely no control over it whatsoever. That scares me. I don’t need recognition or applause, but I do need to do the best show I can. Money is the root of my evils. Sadly, with but a mere ten or fifteen grand I can be indebted to no one. I could be free to make a daily living however I pleased. Legal or otherwise. Of course, I’ll have no legacy of financial wealth to leave my children when I die. But then again, in my mind, I will be leaving them the most valuable gift that can be passed on – that of a love of, and a desire for more of, love.
A great appreciation of adventure and experience. The deep knowledge that the true wealth of a life is knowing that time is the only real currency we have to spend, and that years, lovers, and glasses of wine are things that should never be counted. Experience is what you are buying with payments of putting yourself through the adventures in life – planned or not. The utter resilience with which we propel ourselves though the minutes and hours of our days never ceases to amaze me. Even as depressed and currently doing a little wallowing in self-pity as I am, I could still, in seconds, gather up the strength and gumption, to do whatever may be necessary. It’s just that lately, nothing is necessary from me. No one needs me. No one is loving me, desiring my touch, my gaze, my laughter or the presence of my soul. I guess that’s why they call them the blues.

HA, June 2014... more than a few months since the last "post"...

Hmm. I guess it has been about three months since I put anything here. I'll try not to make it three more. So, maybe I'll offer up some stuff on holidays with four kids in four different cities.. maybe.

Aloha y'all...

For those of you who don't know me, or used to know me a long time ago (even in Jr. High and High school), but may have forgotten, I am a free thinking individual, if you need a label to pin on me, you may as well use "agnostic" because after all, who knows for sure?. I was raised in the Methodist Church. When I was 11 or 12, I read the Bible, the Quran, and the Tao Te Ching and concluded for myself, what my beliefs were. Nothing has ever happened to change my mind. In fact the exact opposite occurred - time after time over the past 45+ years I have witnessed countless atrocities carried out in the name of religion, which only served to reinforce my way of thinking and my "spiritual" beliefs. Yes, I am an atheist. I do not hide that fact. If anyone were to bother to take a look at my facebook profile they would discover that about me. I am a member of the Wichita Atheists group and am happy to say that I've never met a better group of kind, considerate, intellectual and forgiving people in, well, a very, very long time. Not since back in my school days. As I write this, I realize that many of my "friends" from back in my Jr. High and High school days may "un-friend" me. That's they're choice and I have no control, nor do I want to, over their actions or feelings about me. The smart ones will see the utter ridiculousness of it all and remain my friends. The ones who decide that they could never imagine being friends with an atheist will do what makes them happy. Hey, whatever helps them sleep at night, I say.

As a whole (granted, there are extremists in every group), we atheists tend to be very open minded and have no problem with people choosing to believe, or not believe, whatever they want. We do not try to "convert" non-atheists to our way of thinking. We do not automatically disagree with something a person of faith says or writes. We relish the notion of coexistence - of "agreeing to disagree". Peace and love know no boundaries, religious or otherwise.

There is a saying that goes something like "Religion is like a dick. It's fine to have it. It's ok to love the fact that you have it. But please don't take it out in public and wave it around, and for goodness sake don't try to shove it down my throat."

My mother and other family members are "people of faith" and I do not love them any less. I have discovered, here through facebook, that many of the friends I had in Jr. High and High School, mainly those that never left Kansas, have evolved into super-religious, right-wing conservatives who think that George W. Bush was one of the greatest presidents this country ever had. I strongly disagree with them and wonder what must have happened between the '70's and now, that led them to form these conclusions for their adult lives. Again, I don't judge, I am simply curious.

As a group of young minds back then, we were all such free thinkers, intelligent people who did not swallow the propaganda being forced upon us in the Johnson/Nixon years, through the Vietnam war, etc. on into the Regan era. We, collectively, knew better, saw the writing on the wall, and questioned authority. We educated ourselves so that we could make our own minds up about any and all issues or ideals. We were smart. Very smart indeed. We probably are all still very smart and just ended up walking different paths that led us here to our 50's and 60's. Regardless of how we got here, I am saddened by what appears to me to be some sort of regional Christian "surrender", some sort of political brainwashing that goes with the religion thing. And I am saddened by the revelation that my old "activist" type friends are now gladly drinking the Kool-Aid which we all rejected in the 60’s and 70's. That said - I do not have any desire to "un-friend" anybody. I honestly think and feel that we CAN all get along. If you have strong religious feelings then great for you! If you feel like posting religious themed pictures or posts, then go right ahead! Wave your flag high! (Freak or otherwise).

But please don't hate me because I think differently than you. That, and the fried food, is what makes America so great. We have no control over how the rest of the world feels about us. I learned about 45 years ago to not waste ANY time or thought on things which I have no control over and instead to concentrate on that over which I DO have control. My writing this, even though I hope it won't, and believe it shouldn’t, will inevitably cause some of my conservative, religious "acquaintances" here on facebook to toss me out of their news feeds and probably stop being "friends" with me. Trust me. I'm not the type of person who feels bad or loses any sleep over that sort of stuff. You don't want to be friends with me anymore? Fine. In retrospect, I guess we were never truly "friends" to begin with.

Aloha y’all.

(Yes, I wrote this initially to post on facebook and will do so shortly...)

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I feel compelled to write it down. So I am.. here in this unknown and unseen blog. I guess I should tell someone about this blog so that, after I die, they can read my "will", or my desires for what to do with my funeral, or wake, or kick-ass party.. whatever materializes. I think I put something at the top of this blog that says "If I die before I wake", or "start here" or something like that. Anyway - on to the rambling rant I'm writing now:

I’m not positive, but I think marriage should happen while you are young, because then it really is a combined effort and shared commitment. Obviously I cannot speak about the realities of waiting until you're in your late 20's or early 30's to marry because I didn't do so. But an instinct inside my heart and head tells me that when and if you "wait", then attitudes will have already been developed, or will be actively developing, which affect, on possibly a subconscious level, attitudes and/or thoughts that cause reluctance or apprehension or whatever when it comes to the realization that marrying someone has far reaching implications. Implications that are shrouded in mystery and of going up against the unknown in perhaps one of the most important "fights" that you will ever have in your life. I think that marrying while in your 30's can lead to second-guessing other major life decisions and a general glazing-over of reality. My experience was that of marrying young, well, relatively young. I was 23, Helen was just 19. Sometimes I wonder how different things might have turned out had we waited another 4 or 5 years. My first thought is that my kids would not have come to be quite the same way they are. I mean they most likely would have been great, happy, smart, kind, and considerate people - like they really are, but definitely not the same kids. How could they be? Butterfly effect, etc...

I also wonder if Helen and I would have, by virtue of being 4 or 5 years older, been better equipped to deal with the normal emotional ups and downs of a committed relationship. Or that our capabilities to make it through the "tough times" and/or rough patches that come and go, and are a part of every relationship between two people, would have been more mature and therefore not ended in divorce for our marriage. It is impossible to know how things might have gone differently since any one of a million various scenarios could have played out.

I guess I'm trying to learn more about myself through thinking these things and questioning the merits or drawbacks associated with marrying while you are young, or waiting until you're just a little bit older before entering into such commitment with another human who has their own world of thoughts running through their head as well. I feel that I don't know what to say or suggest to my children if they ever ask my opinion or thoughts on this issue. Most likely they will never ask that of me as the events and experiences of their own adult lives will force them to ask, and answer these questions for themselves. It does not matter in the least whether I would like to be a grandparent sooner or later or never at all.

I guess the truest answer I can give myself is to just concentrate on my children's happiness and encourage and celebrate whatever decisions they may make - right or wrong, good idea or bad, because none of us has the ability to know for sure if what we are doing, or what we have done, is or was the "right" thing for our life. I want for all of my children the magic and wonder and adventure that Helen and I had. I also want for them the wisdom and possible better outcome in their lives if they wait before hitching their star to another person's sky. Time and circumstance has already sort of made decisions for each of them, and their futures remain to be seen. I suppose that is all anyone can expect and is what we should all become comfortable with. I just wish there was a way to know that everything will turn out fine for them. I think that "way" is called, simply, faith.

I love my kids with every fiber of my earthly presence and with every spark of eternal energy that resides inside of me. I hope I get the chance, or having been given that chance every time I see them, hug them or speak with them, to be able to instill in them the depth and purity of that love. Grand babies or not. Now or later. I am truly rich beyond my wildest dreams just to still be here and to be a part of their lives and to have them as such an amazing part of mine. But getting to play with, and spoil, and most of all - laugh, with my children's babies would be very wondrous indeed.